First Published: 2025 September 4 (whoops, never hit post)
Woo! Another month, another chance to realize that more than four weeks have passed me by. I am three weeks and two days away from my defense, which is horrifying. At the absolute minimum, I must give my committee a week to read the thesis, which means that I have just over two weeks to be fully finished with everthing. The travel this month has also messed me up schedule wise, and I’ve also not follied as much as I’d like. Or, I guess, the folly was not writing the follies?
Five things that excited me about this July:
Visiting a friend! Did it before July reflect
Giving a talk to some high schoolers. It went decently, but the host pointed out that I went a little fast. That’s good feedback, and something for me to remember going forward for sure.
Getting into a routine again!
I mean my sleep and eating was at least a little better, but I don’t know if I’d call it routine.
Going on a visit to the place I got a job offer for!
Visited! Was great.
Getting to give a talk on an island I’ve always wanted to visit!
Was just so much fun, apparently the entire island showed up. I almost missed the last ferry there because it turns out I actually needed to take two ferries.
Last month’s stuff:
Get back into the web novel: realized that I don’t have mental space for it right now. Am hoping that during September, when I’m also planning on doing a bunch of travel, I’ll feel up to it.
Get back into follies
Eh, did not do a great job with that.
Write journal daily
I journalled fairly often, but again, not as often as I would have liked.
Eat well
eh
Stretch
I did certainly get into more of a habit of this!
Sleep
I honestly think I did pretty decent in regards to sleep
Clean
Home is cleaner, life is more ordered
Research
Finally did1 data analysis!
Creation
Thesis is a form of creation, and so is the music I made with friends.
This month, the only things I can think of happening are my birthday2 and my defense. However, I’m sure there will be more, which I can think about in the future.
First Published: 2025 July 21
This week’s readings were more generally about education, and I read them away from computer, so thoughts are a little more organized. First chapter was about the two major modes of behavioral learning: classical1 which focuses on the stimuli causing action, and operant2 which focuses on the rewards or punishment for a behavior. The second chapter focused on Piaget, and wow he’s even cooler than I thought.
My main takeaway from this week’s readings is that the authors are way too concerned with neoplatonism. That is, there was a major trend in Greek philosophy, especially that which we still have, of going “this is how the world should be, and places where reality differ from the model mean that reality is the problem not the model.” We inherit a lot of that, especially in context of tuning theory.3 In this case, though, I think that it’s particularly dumb.
Plato had this big idea of “people can’t learn things, they must already know them”, and the authors keep saying that Piaget’s theories fail to account for that issue. However, it’s only an issue if you make it one. Like very demonstrably we see things learn behavior and knowledge. It requires ignoring reality to construct the belief to make that happen.
I realize that this also comes into play with the whole modern philosophy “solipsism is internally consistent” that Descartes started. Rather than beginning with observable reality, he started with the Greek thing of “I know that I am”. The sense of I is not a universal thing.
Anyways, I generally found it interesting to see the developmental categories Piaget sorted us into, and it’s wild to me to remember that children can’t abstract at first. Not my favorite set of readings, but I do also know that I have a fairly strong implicit background in child psychology, because my grandmother did literally write books on the subject which were still used in coursework after she died. I also find myself consistently becoming less sympathetic to the philosophy of science treatments that I see in many sources.
These authors are unwilling to say that things are observable by proxy. If I follow their argument, they would argue that we cannot observe energy levels in molecules, because we cannot directly see them. We can only see transitions between them. I think direct observation is a weirdly high bar, especially since then we get the question of what it means to observe.
Is a photon hitting my eye an observation?
Is a photon hitting a detector one?
What’s the line between an observation and a proxy one? Most of the time what we measure is electrical current from photomultiplier tubes, not direct photons. Arguably under their interpretation, that means that any experiment with a PMT doesn’t actually observe things. Since they’re willing to go to solipsism, how can one even trust their senses?
Did you journal today?
Yes!
What ink/pen did you use, and what were your thoughts on it?
Pilot preppy platinum with private reserve electric dc blue.
I still find that my handwriting is messier like this.
How’s prayer?
Pretty minimal, but I did have mindful time when waiting for a prescription to be filled, so that was nice.
How’s focus?
Eh. I got two and a half great hours in and then struggled to restart
How’s sleep?
I took a three hour nap that felt absolutely essential which is not great. Still, I do feel at least a little better rested now!
How many meals, and how balanced?
For breakfast I had an iced red eye, for lunch I had pasta in butter sauce with spinach and peas. It was nice. For dinner I had tacos, rice, and beans4 at a bar where I did an open mic.
How’s the posture?
Fine?
How’s the breath?
Eh, could be better.
How’s the movement?
I had wanted to walk to open mic, but then lost track of time5
How’s the physical flexibility?
Not fantastic, but a stretch did help me to refocus during the day.
How’s keeping up with the family obligations?
Good! I’ve now listened through the album three(?) times.
How’s the thesis?
Decent, I finished the text of the apparatus chapter today, even if I didn’t manage to find/make the figures. That’s a tomorrow task, I guess.6
How’s the poetry?
eh, wrote a bit ysterday night, have ideas for tongiht.
How’re the interpersonal relationships?
Good! Saw friends, got lunch with a friend, and am jamming tomorrow with some.
How’s the music?
Went to an open mic! Did Iowa (Traveling III) by Dar Williams, Inconsolable by Katie Gavin, and Maid on the Shore by Stan Rogers.
It was my first performance in a while and so mistakes were made. Friends in the crowd claimed not to be able to notice them, though, so that was nice of them.
How’s the other writing?
Bullet journal is weird for me because like, where do I take real notes? I guess in a notebook.
How’s the cleaning?
eh, minimal today, that’s something I don’t have energy for right now though.
How’s ordering the life?
I don’t know if bullet journal really helped that much, since I think that the barrier right now is entirely motivation, rather than scheduling or tracking.
Water?
Not as much!
Current Pen List7
Hongdian Black with Blade Nib: Missing but Private Reserve Chocolat
Hongdian Black with Fude Nib: Private Reserve Neon Yellow (since 5/19)
Shark: Purple of some sort, unsure which right now (I think since late june)
Kaweko: apparently private reserve vampire red, but I did just finish it off. Tomorrow I’ll refill with something else.
Pilot Preppy: Private Reserve Electric DC Blue I think (I think since late june)
Conklin: Montverde Fire Opal (since 7/17)
Sheaffer: Private Reserve Spearmint (since 7/15)
First Published: 2025 July 20
As my post the other day implies, I am someone who easily loses track of time and place. I want that not to be the case, but don’t know how to make that happen.
Historically most methods haven’t worked for me.
I’ve found pretty good and continuous luck over the past month doing a clipboard, so I’m hoping that it continues with a bullet journal. Rather than having pages for each thing, I will go back to the method I used when I began journaling: strict chronology. Each day gets one full page, and I have a few other pages for reminders and notes.
Since, for all intents and purposes, my planning ends in a month and a few days, I don’t really care if this method means that I lose track of events that would happen in three or so months. It is very important to me that I get through this thesis, and I realized today that it is also really important to me that it be long. With that in mind, I think that the new method is something that I can force myself to be doing for the next thirtyish days.
So, what is bullet journaling?
Great question
Came from a guy with ADHD, has become an entire aesthetic. Generally as far as I can tell the idea is to have an externalization of the brain in one place with dedicated time and space to clean the thoughts into something reasonable.
I’ve got a page where I have the day and day of the week for the remainder of my schedule, when I’m traveling and where, and this week’s goals for habits. This week’s habit goals are: stretch twice, meditation of some sort, blogging, writing poetry, penmanship, typing, and reading. I want to do most of them daily, but penmanship and typing are both effectively every other day events.
This page and the following cleaned pages are stored in a folder.
Following that, I have a page with my ideas for blogs. I’m currently reading a book about women in science and it’s sparked some great blog ideas.1
Behind that, List of all Tasks! I plan to update that daily
Behind that, list of books that seem interesting, so that I don’t forget they exist
Behind that I currently have a weekly plan/reality log? I’m not sure what this will do for me, and it’s likely that I’ll ignore and or get rid of it.
Behind that I have the daily pen choice, whose main idea is that it will help me figure out when I wrote things based on the pen they’re written in. The six pens I’m currently working through mean that it will be just over weekly that each one repeats, so anything that’s less than a week away is uniquely identified by when I wrote it.
Behind that I have an empty page for each day until next Monday2, except for today’s and tomorrow’s, because I’m planning on actively writing those.
Outside of the folder, I have the rest of the clipboard.
Right now that’s my notes on the book I’m reading, an optimistic page for me to write poetry on3, today’s messy page, which has some tasks and a bunch of notes, and the penmanship page, which I’ve done some work to fill. I know that most of the books I’ve been flipping through with a friend don’t just have repetition of letters, because it’s both too much of a task, being multiple actions, and also too little, not being a full word. Still, I think that my e is slightly more consistent and that my “a” is maybe a little better? I realize I don’t know what I want the a to look like or write like though.4
Somewhere I’ve also tomorrow’s page, and my hope and plan is to write it tonight and then journal and confirm it tomorrow morning before getting outside.
Aha it is in the back of the folder.
Well, let’s hope this works!
Did you journal today?
Yeah! I spent some time in the early afternoon, when I started doing my things for the day. I then also started getting through some ideas of work, and so started a bullet journal! I think that’s what it is, at least, and will discuss it in the post5
What ink/pen did you use, and what were your thoughts on it?
Today’s pen was the Kaweko Sport, and I have almost finished its ink. I think that it was the private reserve chocolat or potentially vampire red. it is not quite empty, but I’m planning on practicing penmanship until it is empty. Wait no, because I wanted to do some journaling and poetry tonight with it. Whoop.
How’s prayer?
Eh. I tried to go through a rosary and I don’t remember what stopped me.
How’s focus?
Eh. I got through the rest of the introduction, but wow I have no motivation for the apparatus section. Writing that down now, I guess that’s absolutely something that I can just push through, so I should plan on that tomorrow.
How’s sleep?
Generally fine. I didn’t get to sleep until like 1 this morning, but then woke up on my own at like half past eight. I haven’t napped today, but I’m planning to go to bed before 2200.
How many meals, and how balanced?
Since yesterday’s, I had dinner at a supper club, which was a ribeye, “irish potatoes”6, and salad. This morning I made what I think can be described as congee: handful of frozen onion and celery, some peas, green beans, three brats cut small and then a large handful of rice7 which I put on the stove until it made a nice pasty thing. Tasted fine, probably full of nutrients.
Since then I’ve had an espresso tonic, a peppermint French soda, some tea, and will be eating a polish sausage8
How’s the posture?
I kept catching myself hunching over while reading this afternoon. My upper shoulders and lower neck remain so very tight, though.
How’s the breath?
I honestly think pretty good! I’ve been reminding myself to breathe, especially on the long drive back home.
How’s the movement?
Eh! I walked the mile and a half to a coffee shop this early afternoon, and then walked to work, which is effectively back home. That’s still about three miles total, though, which is not nothing!
How’s the physical flexibility?
I stretched a bunch. Oof I am tight and tender. I might try stretching more tomorrow, especially if I remember.
How’s keeping up with the family obligations?
Called the brothers! Will listen to the album while walking home.
How’s the thesis?
Last night I read through the RebelFit chapter, and then today I finished editing the introduction, printed it out again to make sure it seems fine9. As mentioned above, have not been able to force myself onto the apparatus, even though it’s one of two remaining chapters, and the other remaining chapter requires me to have finished calculations, which is yet to happen. Then again, I can probably make at least some of the charts? Something to think about for tomorrow.
How’s the poetry?
None, but I made a new sheet for it.
How’re the interpersonal relationships?
Keep messaging people. I am getting lunch with someone tomorrow, so it’s important that I pack myself something reasonable for lunch, because the gaze of the other is terrifying to me.
How’s the music?
Listened to some! A new current favorite song is Babylon by the Dirt Poor Robins. Otherwise, I’ve agreed to make a playlist of folk music to trade someone for a playlist of house music. I have no idea how long or crafted that playlist will be, but can make one soon. Might be a good topic of folly, depending on timing.
How’s the other writing?
Started a bullet journal! THat’s pretty cool, and even did some penmanship work too. I don’t know how well externalizing thoughts is going to go, especially with the nightly camping thing, but it’ll be something to try, at least.
How’s the cleaning?
Eh, minorly better.
How’s ordering the life?
Decent! We’ll see if the bullet journaling works.
Water?
Ok! I drank a fair amount last night and then had some today.
Current Pen List10
Hongdian Black with Blade Nib: Missing
Hongdian Black with Fude Nib: Private Reserve Neon Yellow (since pre-June I think)
Shark: Purple of some sort, unsure which right now (I think since late june)
Kaweko: Chocolate Brown? (I think since late June). Almost empty
Pilot Preppy: Private Reserve Electric DC Blue I think (I think since late june)
Conklin: Montverde Fire Opal (since 7/17)
Sheaffer: Private Reserve Spearmint (since 7/15)
Did you journal a full page today?
Not a full page, but about half of one!
What ink/pen did you use, and what were your thoughts on it?
I used the Pilot Preppy, which I think still has the Private Reserve Blue. I continue to really like the color, but for some reason I noticed that my writing was far messier today than it has tended to be lately. I’m not sure if that’s a function of starting writing after a full breakfast and coffee, the fact that my chair is so low, or something in the nib itself, but it is interesting to note regardless.
I do also think that the Pilot is my finest nib. I’m somewhat curious how large it ends up being. Looks like somewhere between a .2 and .3 mm stroke, which makes sense, because that is the thickness that I do in general really like, and the minor flex means that they won’t all be the same width. The others pens are, of course thicker. The job that I’m taking offers pens in 0.5 and 0.7 mm, so that’s probably also good for me to get used to.
Still, I don’t like how messy the penmanship was today, so it might behoove11 me to practice some penmanship.
How’s prayer?
Not really happening. Probably worthwhile to set a reminder to do it. I have to move my car soon12 so that might be a great time to go ahead and say a quick prayer. Then again, I’ve also been at this coffee shop for the better part of the parking limit, so maybe I should also get something else if I’m coming back...
How’s focus?
Generally decent.
I read a full book this morning which is just absolutely wild13 Since being at the coffee shop, I’ve managed to get some journaling, a full hand-edit14 and about a third of the typed edits for the Introduction chapter. I got so burned out15 at that point, and so now I’m going to do this until it’s time for me to move my car.16
I assume that getting up and walking a bit will help.
How’s sleep?
Since last post, I went to bed at around 123017, and then woke up for a fun two or three hours at around 2. I was up before the 830 alarm I set, even if it did take me a while to accept that and longer to leave bed.
Right now I don’t feel tired, and I didn’t feel bad about driving home from the talk last night, which is two great signs.
How many meals, and how balanced?
Uh I had some fried chicken for dinner last night. I’ll say that’s probably fine-ish, since it is still primarily fat and protein, with some non-sugar carbs.
This morning, the hotel breakfast18 was a thing of chobani strawberry yogurt, a disposable cup of coffee, two things of chocolate milk, two what they called beignets19, eggs with cheese I added, some bacon20, a thing of orange juice, and a waffle with butter and syrup.
That’s honestly much more food than I think that it felt like at the time, and also far more food than it seems now. Oh! Also some berries.
One of the milks and the yogurt technically got consumed about two hours after the rest of the food, but who’s keeping track?21
At the cafe, I’ve had a raspberry italian soda, but yesterday I got a sweet crepe here and it was delicious. I’m tempted to get another today, and might do on of their savory options.
How’s the posture?
Generally fine.
I’m sitting with my legs crossed and was spending some time not so much sitting up, but that’s partially to be blamed on how tall this table is relative to its chair. Then again, not having my forearms needing to arc down as much is also pretty nice.
How’s the breath?
Eh, I just took. am taking fie deepish breaths, and they’re nice.
The more I do intentional breath, the better I feel, which does imply it is something that I should be focusing on more than I do. Then again, the more things that I focus on, the less that I can focus on any individual thing.
How’s the movement?
I move minimally, and haven’t really stood up since sitting down for to start writing. That’s not great, so let’s actually call it here, stand up, move the car a little early, and then return to our seat and get a little more work done, this time around taking a break every hourish. Or, at least, we can treat that as a goal22
Little bit of walking did really do a lot to perk me back up23.
How’s the physical flexibility?
Eh, could be better. I stretched in the shower this morning24 and just did another forward fold during the walk. Little bit of neck stretching as I sit here.
The fact that my legs are crossing is more proof I should stretch my hips out more. Probably a thing to do at the park tonight.
How’s keeping up with the family obligations?
Honestly and legitimately decent!
I call the brothers tomorrow and I have the new album as of last night, so could do that while doing some stretching today/tonight/tomorrow.
How’s the thesis?
Oof, as yesterday’s folly points out, I am nowhere near where I wanted to be25. However, I got through what I wanted to do yesterday, I think. I printed out the chapter this morning26 and also the introduction.
Working through intro right now, it does honestly feel pretty solid, but of course the more pictures I put in the better, as always27
Oh! I keep wanting to do the whole “use a layout that I didn’t make myself” thing, so this could be a great time to do that!
Despite my claim that the motivation is back, maybe it isn’t as close to back as I wanted.
How’s the poetry?
Didn’t write any yesterday or this morning, but would like to today after finishing with work28, if nothing else ends up taking the time.
How’re the interpersonal relationships?
I chatted with the other people at the talk yesterday, including the no-longer-solely-volunteer who coordinated it29
How’s the music?
Uh I don’t really think I did any since last time I’ve been writing. I don’t even think that I listened to any music last night. I did walk into a music store and resist the urge to buy anything, so if anything, one might be accurate in saying that I did negative music.
How’s the other writing?
Uh, I think that’s really it. Haven’t texted too many people, the hand edits on my thesis are thesis.
How’s the cleaning?
Wow I’m good at getting the hotel room packed in just a matter of seconds. I was completely spread out30 and even still managed to get everything in its
How’s ordering the life?
Uh, I don’t really think that I’ve done any of that. Yesterday’s post was helpful in that regard, to be certain. Otherwise, I think that prayer31 and finishing this are the big ones. Oh, planning travel, but I think that I’m doing that tomorrow.
Also, I want a nicer clicker, so I just got it.32
Water?
Really good! I’ve had to refill the monster jug, and I even am occasionally remembering to just like drink it.
Current Pen List33
Hongdian Black with Blade Nib: Missing
Hongdian Black with Fude Nib: Private Reserve Neon Yellow (since pre-June I think)
Shark: Purple of some sort, unsure which right now
Kaweko: Chocolate Brown?
Pilot Preppy: Private Reserve Electric DC Blue I think
Conklin: Montverde Fire Opal
Sheaffer: Private Reserve Spearmint
mostly about the idea of the liberal arts and what it means to be a scientist or do science↩
because I’m traveling R-M, so won’t be able to make the next week in the morning of Sunday or Monday↩
optimistic in the sense that I’m not sure the poetry will go there, not its actual mental state↩
these are shockingly distinct. I think that I want a single stroke, but what that stroke is is important to me almost independent of what the output looks like and vice versa↩
which is above this, so I guess you’ll have already read↩
deep fried (note 7/21/25 typo yesterday, said friend not fried) small whole↩
Note 7/21/25: this said “water” not “rice” in initial posting. Thank you to those who caught↩
maxwell street brand↩
and because I want to add pictures at some point soon, because 12 pages of single spaced text can probably balloon really quickly with many pretty pictures↩
for my own posterity, mostly↩
I feel like this is a past tense of behave? Huh wild, it is actually Old English and comes from “to need”↩
darn 2 hour parking limits↩
oh, that could have been the folly for the day. Alas, I guess↩
read: I have a printed copy which I looked through and made changes as needed, including doing a bit of research because I had some hand waving that I didn’t notice in a derivation↩
burnt out? maybe just lost focus is the better term↩
my main reader expressed a preference for less polished folly writing, and so, at the very least, I’m going to try to have the daily reflection and draft 0/1 of things be so↩
I did not, in fact, delete all the games. Or rather, I did, but then I redownloaded one of them, which is a Majong (sp) roguelite, and it’s so much fun and so addicting and I’m sure that I am absolutely horrid at it↩
my beloved↩
nutella filled dense donuts. As delicious as it sounds, if you can believe it↩
pork, to be as clear as the hotel was↩
me, as it turns out↩
love that this writing site keeps trying to get me to write just a few more words (legitimately)↩
and the chocolate flavored coffee (I don’t know what they mean by this, it came like any other batch brew, but wow there’s an intense amount of chocolate in it) certainly didn’t hurt↩
meaning mostly toe touch and a little bit of shoulders/hips↩
the terrible thing about having a relatively quick turnaround means that you go from ahead to behind in a matter of days↩
thank you hotel!↩
Before latest round of edits, on the current page layout (one inch borders except left, which is a one half inch border for some reason, 12 point font, .5 inch footnote separation) Intro just barely touches (kisses, one might say) the seventh page.↩
I will not go to the arcade. Arcade is the time killer. Last week when I found the arcade and got more than a 1:1 free game ratio on the pinball machines was an exception because that bar set them absurdly low and also I was hot. This will not occur again (and other mantras I repeat)↩
one might say a coordinator, if they were slightly more coherent than me↩
as one might expect when checking into a hotel with the express intention of getting a lot of work done↩
shoot forgot during car swap↩
for some reason my clicker doesn’t really work at all. Not sure if it’s the wireless receiver or if it’s a “when you put a USB-A into a USB-A to USB-C converter nothingn works”↩
for my own posterity, mostly↩
First Published: 2025 July 18
As far as most of my time should be concerned, I have thirty eight days. In thirty eight days I defend my thesis, which means that in twenty four days my committee needs to have a full and polished version of my thesis. In ten days my advisor needs the same.
What do I know will be taking time in the next thirty eight days? Or, since hours are more what I care about, it’s 1600 or so now. There are thirteen days left in July after this, 320 hours. I sleep for about ten hours a night1, so that’s really like 180 hours of real time. In August, I have 586 hours until the defense, but again we must sleep, and so 336 hours.
In the next 516 hours what do I need to accomplish?
I need to finish writing my thesis. I need to make the entire thesis presentation. I need to finish the research for the paper I’m trying to publish.
In the next 516 hours, what other commitments do I have?
I2 agreed to give talks every weekend from now until the defense. I’m going to assume an average travel time of five hours each direction3, so ten hours per weekend will be gone, on the road. Fifty five fewer hours, I have 461 hours.
Each day in the weekend I give an outreach talk that lasts an hour, and then have observing for between 0 and 2 hours.4 I also like being there5 an hour early, so let’s average that to three hours per talk. Fourteen talks means 42 hours, 419 hours.
Just over four hundred hours of time is what I have left. I had been picking up hobbies again, and I think that I might need to stop that, at least for now.6 I do know that I cannot work nonstop forever, though. If I think about when things are due, what deadlines do I need for myself to be successful?
Let’s once again list out what the thesis is, needs, and contains:
Minimum Viable Thesis Document7
Abstract
Introduction
Acknowledgements
Apparatus
RebelFit
Conclusions
Desired Things:8
Chapter on Outreach
Publicly accessible Chapter
Derivation of Watson T and ρ values
Explanation of algorithms9
Derivation of Rotational Spectroscopy
Philosophy of Science
Things that I need for the presentation:
I mean honestly, I hope that what I present will come entirely from the thesis paper, so that’s probably fine for now. Since I turn the final thesis in on 8/11, I have the next two weeks to make the presentation.
How long will each thing take? Great question.
In four hundred and nineteen hours, I need to write an entire abstract, which will take under three hours unless something goes catastrophically wrong. In four hundred and sixteen hours, I need to write an acknowledgement of at least some of the infinitely many things and people that have brought me to this point, which will take as long as I give it, as gratitude tends to. Grateful as I am, though, I cannot give it more than six.
With four hundred and ten remaining hours, I need to finish the introduction. I wanted to rephrase and rewrite a lot of it, which would likely take under five hours. I need to add some missing citations and add figures where needed. Citations should take under thirty more minutes at minimum10, and the needed figures probably take under three hours. Four hundred and one or four hundred and six. I want this thesis to be something I’m proud of.
With four hundred remaining hours, I need to write effectively the entire apparatus section, cite it appropriately, and add the needed figures. I think that I have most of the figures I would need. There are fourish11 instruments/apparatus that I’ll be writing about. At most it should take an hour each to make the figures. I do really think that I can get a minimally viable text in under two hours. If I wanted to write a full description of each instrument, though, that will take much longer, and I don’t care that much about any of them right now.
Three hundred and ninety four hours12 are left in my life. I need to have a full version of the conclusions and next steps. I sent in a draft of it that feels mostly finished, but I’ll assume another four hours for that.
Three hundred and ninety hours to finish with RebelFit. I need to absolutely finish the paper, and I absolutely need to finish the paper. The only things left are adding in the proof that it works, I think, which requires the jobs to run and me to at least minimally analyze the output. I’m hopeful that the reviewer is ok with tentative, rather than explicit, assignment of the new states, but we’ll see what happens.
Three hundred and eighty five hours to rewrite all of the RebelFit portion of my thesis. I think that I have all the content I would need, and I even think that I have most of the figures.13 Let’s be generous to the productivity I am capable of and assume that it takes me three hours to get the current content into something sensible, and then under thirty to finish revisions.
Three hundred and fifty hours. That’s honestly more time than I thought. Still, that’s not enough time for me to really feel comfortable slacking off, so time to start work again. I have to head to the park at about six, and I do also need to eat14, so I have about one hundred minutes left to work today. What can I get done then?
Hopefully at the very least the daily reflection and getting RebelFit into something resembling a sensible thesis chapter.
Routines are incredibly helpful and important to and for me.15 Despite that, as the absence of daily posts here illustrates, I have not generally done a great job of having a routine lately. Some of this is understandable: I had a conference and then it was the Fourth of July. However, in 10 days I need to have finished my thesis, and that feels like an optimistic goal, which it really shouldn’t.16
Since I know that I am more productive in times of routine, it felt like a good idea to use this folly to explore routine. However, that’s no longer feeling right, because wow two weeks is much closer than it feels. I kind of do really feel like I need to be delivering something at least daily, if not moreso.17
As the sporadic and mostly absent nature of this site probably attests,18 I do not currently have a good routine going. There are any number of reasons for that, but most of them boil down to the fact that, unlike what makes a good routine for me, every day is not like every other. However, I’m now in the final weeks before my thesis defense, which means that on some level the routine maybe should just be a baseline level of panic and stress. Given that I’m not feeling that, I can only conclude that I need to be more aware of what time I do and do not have.
So, let’s quickly get the timeline established, and then we can start thinking about routine again.
My thesis defense is on August 25 at 10am. I am supposed to give my committee two weeks to read the thesis, which means that they need it by August 11. I want two weeks between the final rounds of my boss’s edits and giving it to the committee, which means she needs the full thesis by July 28. That is, in the next ten days I need to be completely finished with my thesis.
Oh.
That’s um, a lot sooner than it emotionally feels. So, what could a routine look like for me?
Right now I have outreach talks every weekend. I do find that I can be at least somewhat productive while traveling, both because driving helps me order my thoughts and just because I can kind of write from anywhere. Unfortunately, driving is also a fairly large time sink. This weekend is one of my shorter drives and is still five hours of driving.
Ok wow I’m falling out of the planned post, let’s try this again.
Did you journal a full page today?
One sentence, because I thought while driving.
What ink/pen did you use, and what were your thoughts on it?
Fude with Neon yellow. I think that I don’t like the PR19 neons are almost highlighter, and definitely need the thicker nib. However, even so I don’t like how pale/translucent they are.
How’s prayer?
Non-existent. I stopped by a coffee shop for caffeine earlier this afternoon, and heard two women discussing Catholicism, which did remind me to pray before eating.
How’s focus?
Oof, this post is revitalizing it really well.
How’s sleep?
Always I feel too tired.
How many meals, and how balanced?
Uhhh great question. Today I had two western omelet sandwiches and a flavored coffee drink for breakfast, and then cold brew and a crepe with strawberries and chocolate for late lunch.
How’s the posture?
Generally ok!
How’s the breath?
I remind myself to breathe sometimes even when I’m not doing this reflection.
How’s the movement?
Not enough.
How’s the physical flexibility?
Nowhere near enough. Oof.
How’s keeping up with the family obligations?
Good!
How’s the thesis?
As you can maybe tell from the above, great question.
How’s the poetry?
Nonexistent.
How’re the interpersonal relationships?
Honestly kind of great. I am more sociable these days, and have made friends and connections with people at a bar I like in town. I met up with friends multiple times this week, and I’m reaching out to future coworkers.
How’s the music?
Honestly also good, I jammed with a friend earlier this week and we’d meant to do an open mic yesterday. (It was cancelled)
How’s the other writing?
Nonexistent, which is where it should be. I do want to tell the readers of my web novel that I’m not in a mental space to write it right now, but even that feels too hard, which is sad.
How’s the cleaning?
I need to do better at that
How’s ordering the life?
I mean this post is decent at least!
Water?
Better than it has been, worse than it could be.
Current Pen List20
Hongdian Black with Blade Nib: Missing
Hongdian Black with Fude Nib: Private Reserve Neon Yellow (since pre-June I think)
Shark: Purple of some sort, unsure which right now
Kaweko: Chocolate Brown?
Pilot Preppy: Private Reserve Electric DC Blue I think
Conklin: Montverde Fire Opal
Sheaffer: Private Reserve Spearmint
including like bed prep and such↩
in retrospect, perhaps stupidly↩
because intermediate travel and all↩
depending on weather and desire of the attendees↩
read: have been requested to be↩
time to uninstall steam↩
what do I absolutely have to have, as opposed to what I’d like in the thesis↩
in vaguely sorted order of importance↩
added after writing some more, at RebelFit specifically↩
because I can always add other sources, especially for claims like “there are many instances of”↩
I think↩
if you notice time dropping more it’s because I round up always↩
Thanks prior me for giving a presentation↩
probably, at least↩
helpful to? yeah. Helpful for? yeah, important to? not emotionally I guess but intellectually. Important for? absolutely↩
thrus (both but three?) because it is far away, I need to finish it, and there’s realistically not that much work that needs to be done↩
delivering here can mean internal, though most of what I have does need to go to the boss, so maybe not↩
attests to?↩
private reserve. Why did I footnote it? that just takes more time↩
for my own posterity, mostly↩
First Published: 2025 July 14
A dear friend of mine asked me if I would be interested in doing an independent audit of a course on Chemistry education. That is, we will do the class readings and then discuss between the two of us what we think. I’m generally interested in pedagogy and teaching, and so agreed. Our general plan is to, starting today, write a weekly reflection on the week’s readings, and then in some form or another also respond to the other’s reflection.
Going into this project, I realize that it’s important for me to state some things I’m coming in with. I more and more believe that the value of a good is its goodness, and that arguments towards utility are pointless at best. I also had a friend in my first year of the program who had personal/scientific1 issues with the professor for the course, so I am also bringing in some hesitation to trust, at the very least, the framing of the readings. This past Thursday I gave a lecture to some high school students about reading science, and the two things I wanted to stress to them were “there is objective reality” and “any presentation of reality is fundamentally biased”.
This week’s readings were about broad level “science literacy”, both by the same author, written a decade apart. The first came from 2010, where he argues that “science literacy” is a meaningless term and offers2 a way to restore meaning to the term. The second comes from 2020, and he focuses here3 on the idea that we (only now) live in a society more focused on emotional appeal than scientific reality and consensus. A lot of my issues with the first paper4 were fixed in the second, which makes the choice of the first into the curriculum interesting to me.
In general, the claim of the first is that science should be taught in a way which is useful, by which the author means either “helps people lead happier, more successful, or more politically savvy lives” or “help people solve personally meaningful problems in their lives, directly affect their material and social circumstances, shape their behavior, and inform their most significant practical and political decisions”, which are, in my mind at least, kind of very different claims. He also never defines science, which feels more than a little concerning to me. Saying that people are and are not using science well requires defining science.
The first paper did point me to some interesting ideas of what science literacy can mean, and helped me to recognize that I treat it and most forms of literacy as a fundamentally communal process. He claims here (though, it must be admitted, explicitly recants the claim in the other paper) that “(o)ne fair critique... is that Roth and Lee appear to have started with the assumption that knowledge is collectively held and meaning socially constructed.” While I personally believe that meaning is an absolute, coming from the Divine, I don’t think that I would feel comfortable arguing that in a paper about science education. The first paper also reminded me of the fact that I apparently read more into subtle racism and classism than others in my life. The author is much more derogatory of the scientific relationship that “minority youth in high poverty urban environments” had than the relationships either other group had. At the end, he explicitly advises for trying to produce “competent outsiders”, as opposed to “marginal insiders”, and his bias as a biologist by training comes up, where he says that most who learn science have an “understanding of science (that) is fairly primitive, extending to experimentation but excluding probability and peer-review, and utterly neglecting the long and messy labors of authentic scientific work”, as though science must require pain and probability.
The second paper was much more practical, for all that it was still of minimal utility to me, personally.5 One of the big focuses in the article is that science does not produce Truth (TM).6 In four columns of text, he somehow does a worse job of explaining that concept than the three second version my college professor gave “science is a model, not reality”.
In both, he argues for the concept that we should teach things which students will find personally meaningful, and that we should explicitly frame the topics in that way. Thinking about pedagogy, I have trouble with this, though I should probably ask my brother, who reads much pedagogy research. The utility of multiplication, in my mind, is highest when it’s an unconscious thought. He talks about how discussions around heating bills are unscientific, but I have to wonder how different the group studied (elderly) and a younger cohort might treat it. Nearly everyone I know above a certain age has a good amount of multiplication tables memorized still. Nearly everyone I know below a certain age has to do multiplication for everything.
Type 1 and Type 2 thinking, or fast and slow thinking, or heuristic and thoughtful thinking are all ways to classify what neuroscience has apparently found7 are the major modes we use in life. The more innate knowledge becomes, the more it can move into the fast portion. Forcing me to, by rote, learn each letter and word means that I now look at words and do not need to think to understand them. Forcing children to do times tables means that they do not have to do the math of “I have three dollars, how many avocados can I get if they’re 50 cents each”, but that they can just look and go “50 cents and three dollars, 6 avocados”. I would never think of framing the use of multiplication in that way, but I think that this points to the more fundamental issue that I take with this framing.
My grandmother once was on a television debate where she argued that everyone should get a liberal arts education. Her main thrust was that it fundamentally makes you a better person. I don’t know why the author seems so resistant in the first paper to the idea that there are things which science cannot answer. He accepts this in the second, and yet still seems focused on the idea that the value of science education is in the measurables, rather than the intangibles.
My friend’s reflection focused on Physical Chemistry, and the fact that we can’t really make it applicable. My initial response is that we don’t take Physical Chemistry until upper level students in a major, by which point there’s a tacit (though very often incorrect)8 assumption that major students will use the major in life. The utility I have for quantum mechanics in my day to day life is in the work that I do. I also know that I very often approach questions in life from a quantized view now, in a way that I was taught out of in schooling.9
I’m cautiously excited to keep reading, even if I don’t know if I can dedicate the same time to these readings going forward.10
A dear friend of mine and I have decided to read through the syllabus for a course that neither of us will be able to take on Chemistry education. More than that, we plan to each separately and then together discuss the readings for a given week. This is the first of that series.
We read two articles on science education by the same author, written a decade apart.
In general, I found minimal of use in either. The first was constantly contradicted by the second, and both suffered the same fundamental issue: without defining science, there’s no good way to define science literacy.11
In general, the first article, written in 2010, focused a lot on the idea that science literacy should be judged on its “usefulness”, which is defined very narrowly and individually. I take huge umbrage with this approach; literacy is fundamentally about interaction with the other. Of course groups of people are more likely to be using science than an individual in an individual experience; when looking at the problems cited12, aggregate action is more important than individual.
Throughout both articles, I also saw a disheartening and concerning trend of unquestioned bias. When examining a case study from UK residents or Washington State residents, the idea of scientific interpretation never arose. When speaking on a study of “minority youth in high poverty urban environments”, by contrast, the author took pains to emphasize that the students were not necessarily taking science information in accurately, writing (with original emphasis) “Is it sufficient that they felt more comfortable with and interested in science as they interpreted it?”. He also presumed that these students will cease to be interested in the specific subjects they have taken a love of.
My friend’s reflection comments on the fact that Physical Chemistry, by most definitions and explanations, isn’t useful to the everyday experience of people. Truthfully, I understand this, but feel like Physical Chemistry13 is like mathematics: the value in learning it is in the operations that can become thoughtless. I think that it’s incredibly important to teach times tables, not because I think that timed tests are great14, but because of something that a math teacher told me when I was in high school. The gist of it was that when things are ingrained, they are barrierless to being done.
Did you journal a full page today?
No, I stopped at a little under half of a page today. I don’t know why I thought/think that one full page is the appropriate amount to be writing, but I think that most of the advice in regards to daily journaling assumes that I will be using an A5 or smaller notebook, not the letter size college gridded page.
What ink/pen did you use, and what were your thoughts on it?
Shark pen, which currently has Private Reserve’s “Purple Mojo”. It’s a nice purple, deep and rich which I like. Photographs a little bluer than it looks, and minimal shading.
Earlier this week, in the Pilot Platinum Preppy, I journalled with Private Reserve’s “Electric DC Blue”, which is far less aggressive than the name might imply. It had almost no shading whatsoever, and a really really nice color. It’s a little hard to describe it, but a dear friend suggested normal roller pen blue, which felt slightly off. A slightly more refined version of that, maybe, gets the gist across. Doesn’t photo well.
How’s prayer?
Terrible. I tried my best to do a rosary on Saturday and had to stop halfway through the Creed. Might be something that’s worth pushing through this week, though, since I do feel pretty emotionally numb.
How’s focus?
Eh, it’s been ok. On Friday I wanted to get some work done but instead spent four or so hours trying to figure out what order to practice letters in. Since I don’t write individual letters, though, it seemed more reasonable to figure out the relative frequency of not just letters, but of small combinations of the letters too. Once I’d figured that out, I realized that I probably wanted to remove the longer strings from the weight of the shorters. After all, if every instance of “q” is followed by a “u”, then practicing “qu” will get me the proper weight of “q”. In general it made little difference, though subtraction did mean that more longer phrases entered the top of the page.
Outside of that, I’ve been pretty blase. I know that I say that I can use travel days as a place to get a lot of work done, but I struggled with that this week. I think that much of that comes down to how tired I was/am, and the rest comes from the general sense of aimlessness I have right now.15
How’s sleep?
I slept just so very very much this past weekend. I think that a good portion of that was because I did actually need to catch up on sleep/recover from/prevent an illness.16 At some point, though, I have to wonder if the sleep was itself becoming a problem. Hotel beds are just way too cozy, I guess.
Other than that, back at home last night I did not sleep too well. My watch says that of the 10.5 hours I gave myself, I was asleep for 5, which feels not entirely wrong. I don’t feel too bad now that I’m out of bed, though, which is nice enough.
How many meals, and how balanced?
In general I do eat pretty well when I’m traveling, and this past weekend was no exception. Thus far this morning I’ve had an iced coffee17, most of a two-day-old donut, and some water. I’m getting fed a lunch at noon, though, which I have every intention of having been balanced.
I’m still living maybe too much like a stereotype of my demographic and relying on take-away pizza. However, I have food in my fridge and a desire to not let it go to waste. Might be great to just grab the carrots for munching season.
How’s the posture?
Eh. Currently sitting a little straighter for the reminder, but in general, my neck feels incredibly tight and misplaced and my shoulders are forward.
How’s the breath?
Thoughtless, by and large. Taking these two breaths, though, felt great.
How’s the movement?
Minimal intentionality, which is fair enough. There’s a VR fitness thing I’ve been enjoying lately, so I will plan to work on that tonight, I suppose.
How’s the physical flexibility?
Terrible. My shoulders feel so incredibly tight, and my neck does as well. It’s a struggle to touch my toes. It’s almost painful to stretch a lot of the time, now.18
How’s keeping up with the family obligations?
Decent! I listened to the album last week and met with the brothers.
How’s the thesis?
Decent! I’m hoping to finish a draft of the final chapter needed for the minimum viable thesis this week, and otherwise make the rest of the thesis cleaner.19
How’s the poetry?
Nonexistent, which is more than a little sad. I don’t know why, when I’m sitting and aimless, I forget that poetry is a thing that I wast to write.
How’re the interpersonal relationships?
Eh, not a lot of changes, which also means that I haven’t really been seeing or interacting with people as much as I generally want. I’d already been planning to work on that today, which means this is just a good secondary reminder to do so.
How’s the music?
Honestly decent! I have plans to jam tomorrow and play at an open mic on Thursday, which should be really fun. I’ve been practicing the music for the show as well as the wedding song, and both have been going well!
How’s the other writing?
Nonexistent. The journaling didn’t even really happen, and as might be obvious, neither did this blog.
How’s the cleaning?
Home is cleaner than it has been, and I have hopes and ideas for how to continue along this trajectory. Car needs to be emptied more than anything, but that’s often true.
How’s ordering the life?
Eh.
I realized today that my ideal storage/sorting system is one wherein I can explode out things in physical space, which is not realistic. When I have folders, the fact that there’s a barrier20 somehow does a lot to keep me from using it. A concept could be to have folders for after I’ve written on the paper, which might work?
I’ll try it.
Outside of that, though, I have an idea for keeping my mind map real and visible. Right now I’ve got a fair number of tasks, and many of them are interrelated. I’m thinking about getting notecards and stringing them together with relative importance and order. Then, the more things that are dependent on a process, the more that I can and should be working on them, even if the task itself feels low importance.
I’ll see if it helps, but I’m also continuing to consider bullet journaling.
Water?
Honestly pretty decent. I was feeling bad Saturday night so started drinking water with more intention, and that helped. The air right now isn’t great, and so I’ve been wanting more water just for that reason.
depending on how one defines either↩
or at least, claims to offer↩
with a coauthor, it should probably be noted↩
unsubstantiated claims, disagreement with what feels like obvious reality↩
perhaps because I already know many things↩
he doesn’t emphasize it like this, but he might as well↩
and my own experience has held up↩
parentheticals in text are side notes, footnotes are bonus thoughts↩
at some point I’ll write my rant about how Newtonian Physics makes what should be intuitive fundamentally alien↩
then again, two hours really isn’t that much, is it?↩
at this point I read my friend’s review of the readings so that I can see what they did↩
nearly all social science↩
capitalized because proper noun in my mind↩
even though I did love crushing my peers↩
which would be a good thing to folly on (hmmm folly on is a terrible phrase, think of something better)↩
hmmm, how do I use slashes in lists? feels like there should be a space but then the kerning looks weird to me↩
hmmm, does drink count as food?↩
might be that the fascia is overworked or something↩
read: add in the citations and start making figures↩
opening the folder↩
First Published: 2025 July 14 (because I forgot to hit post)
Welp, here I come a full week late with a reflection on the last month. It was, as every month seems to be, just absolutely full of events. In particular, the travel I did towards the end of the month meant that I was away from my computer more1, and therefore writing far less on it.2 I really want to get back into the habit of doing this, in part because I also really want to get back into the habit of the daily reflections. With that in mind, though, let’s get into the meat of the reflection.
Last month I thought I would be excited for:
Seeing a close family friend’s wedding. Went, it was super fun! It was a little sad because they had a memorial to my mother up, but that’s also really sweet in retrospect. The week before it we visited other family friends, and that was also really nice.
Visiting a friend. Also super fun! Ended up happening after the conference, because I don’t know how time works, I guess. We went to a zoo and a science museum. Great times, and it was really lovely to meet his fiancee.3
Presenting my research at a conference. Went really well! Unfortunately, the calculations were still ongoing at the time of presentation, and so I didn’t end up having as nice of one as it happened.
Singing in a few more concert-like events. They were really fun! Turns out one of them was the governor’s party, and they had us acting as guests when not singing. The other one was pretty bog standard.4
It happened today, but going to a friend’s5 baby shower! It was so nice to celebrate with them. I assume this was true!
Last month’s must dos!
Finish the presentation that I’m giving on Friday and then again at the end of the month
Woo! Gave the presentation that Friday, and gave it again at the conference. It was significantly improved by the second go round, and I do think that the Friday version helped with that.
Continue applying to next steps
Not really doing, which I’ll likely discuss more below.
Make progress on my thesis
Lots! Boss is happy with the work rate.
Last Month’s hopefully dos!
Make an actual list of everything that needs to happen before I can submit the paper. I don’t think that I officially had that happen, but it remains a good task.
Do all of those things. Nope! Paper is not submitted, which means that at least something isn’t working. I keep being 99% done with the project only to find a problem in the code that means I need to redo a lot of the work.
Finish the presentation and make it good. I got a lot of compliments on the presentation, even though many people were also disappointed by some of the findings.
Finish the chapter of my thesis on the program. I completely spaced this one, so it goes on my new6 list.
Rewrite the chapter of my thesis on the apparatus I used. Done, but I did a bad job of it.
Keep up on my web novel. Lol, nope! I feel really bad about it, though, which is like doing it?
Keep up on this site. See above.
Do music. I jammed with a friend one of the days, and then left my guitar in its case for a few weeks. I did buy two harmonicas7, and they were fun to play. I also sang a fair amount, I think?
Take care of myself.
Eh, by the end I was certainly disregulated. I think that’s mostly because I love routine.
What did I dream of doing last month?
Finish the Paper -> as above.
Write a full outline of the rest of my thesis. I actually think that I did this! Wild
Writing a folly a day. you can see that this is not happening.
Getting a backlog of chapters ready for the web novel. Nope!
Finish the presentations that I’m going to be giving in July. I give my first one on Thursday, and I have the loosest sketches of a beginning, which I started making yesterday.
Get the video series done. I did absolutely nothing on it.
Record the new song I wrote. I sang it for the friend, and she enjoyed it.
Write a few more songs. Nope!
Record a few more songs. Nope!
Jam with other people. Once or twice.
Find my next steps. Yeah!
Once again become comfortable with silence. I think so, honestly. It’s really nice having my headphones on even and especially when I’m not listening to things. My brain is once again in a space where I can’t listen to things while using my mind, which is good to know.
Spend the time I need to confront the faith issue that’s been boiling in the background for a few months now.
I forget if I wrote about it, but did actually figure out some of it, een8 if I didn’t, I did end up resolving a lot of it.
Learn shorthand and start writing it with my left hand.
Lol, I was so optimistic.
Before getting into the priorities, let’s look forward to this month9.
Five things I was excited about last month that I didn’t know would happen:
Getting to go to a family-hosted board game night again.
Went on a brewery tour
Saw the cryptozoology museum
Went to a number of breweries!
Started brewing again.
Five things that excite me about this July:
Visiting a friend! Did it
Giving a talk this Thursday to some high schoolers. I’m still really excited for i, even if I am growing incredibly nervous about how I’ll do.
Getting into a routine again! I haven’t really had one, but the fact that I’m gone basically all weekends means that it’s a routine of sorts? I hope at least.
Going on a visit to the place I got a job offer for!10
Getting to give a talk on an island I’ve always wanted to visit!
Last month I did must, want to, would dream of. This month I’m just going to do should and would love.
What should I do this month?
Get back into the web novel
Get back into follies
Write journal daily
Eat well
Stretch
Sleep
Clean
Research
Creation
Honestly, I think that I’m mostly just recreating the list of daily reflection, so let’s go down there and try making the new one.
Last Month’s daily reflection11:
Did you journal by hand, and do you feel like the stormy questions in your mind got on the page?
Did you do your best to sit in still silence?
Are you making sure that each task is given your full attention, not just because the task deserves it, but because you deserve the luxury of doing a single thing at a time?
Are you focusing on your posture and breath?
What in your body is holding tension right now? How can you fix it? When will you fix it?
Comments on sleep?
How’s eating going? In particular, how are you doing with eating plants and unprocessed food?
Are you neglecting any of your familial obligations? If so, how can you rectify this?
Cleaning: what is the biggest priority you have right now, and what is the next action item for it?
Thesis: current task. What’s preventing you from finishing it? How will you remove that obstacle?
Thesis: next task. What will you need to be able to do it?
What’s the next job you’re applying to?12
Are you intentionally trying to spend time with others?
Are you doing your absolute best to ensure that you and those you interact with view the interactions in the same light? Are you sure?
Are you keeping up on this daily set of reflection questions?
Are you keeping up on writing the follies? If not, what’s in the way?
How are the long form follies coming? Do you feel like they’re weighing you down right now?
Are you writing poetry? When, and what were your takeaways from the previous day’s writing?
Are you making music? If not, what is in the way?
How resonant is the list right now? Decently, though I think that I want to change a few things.
Did you journal a full page today?
What ink/pen did you use, and what were your thoughts on it?
How’s prayer?
How’s focus?
How’s sleep?
How many meals, and how balanced?
How’s the posture?
How’s the breath?
How’s the movement?
How’s the physical flexibility?
How’s keeping up with the family obligations?
How’s the thesis?
How’s the poetry?
How’re the interpersonal relationships?
How’s the music?
How’s the other writing?
How’s the cleaning?
How’s ordering the life?
water?
I’m sure that I’ll reorder this on another day, but for now it feels good enough. So, then, let’s fill out the daily reflection, I suppose!
Did you journal a full page today?
Just about!
What ink/pen did you use, and what were your thoughts on it?
I worked with a Kaweco Perkeo, and I was using Private reserve Vampire red. It is more brown than red, I’d say. The Kaweco is definitely not a heavy flow pen, and so the ink often went on the page almost a pale salmon. On points where the ink goes down hard, it’s more like dried blood. This seems to be a standard review of the color, so I don’t think I’m making a mistake there!
Other than that, I do love the way that the pen feels in the hand. It’s very gentle, and that’s nice.
How’s prayer?
Oops, a good thing to remember to do in the future certainly.
How’s focus?
Eh, it’s hard to get going when I have midday meetings, but I’ve always known that.
How’s sleep?
Decent. Yesterday was a really low energy day, so I ended up getting to bed relatively early.
How many meals, and how balanced?
Today: had a waffle and have been working on a bowl of oats since then. That’s a sign I should get a more protein heavy dinner, which probably means that it’s time to go grocery shopping again.
How’s the posture?
Has been generally bad lately. My shoulders feel almost permanently curled in, and at this point I’m beginning to wonder if that’s just correct.
How’s the breath?
Haven’t really thought about it that much, being totally honest. It’s nice right now to be getting a few breaths in, though.
How’s the movement?
Stretched once today, am about to stretch again. Other than that, I walked around a bit, but not as much as I usually like.
How’s the physical flexibility?
I can touch my toes, my shoulders feel tight, and I find myself crossing my feet when I lie down, which I am told is a symptom of tight hips.
How’s keeping up with the family obligations?
I failed to listen to last week’s album, and will start listening to this week’s.
How’s the thesis?
Currently the main goal is making sure all my citations and figures are looking good.
How’s the poetry?
Nonexistent, but I think that I have time today to fix that.
How’re the interpersonal relationships?
Generally decent! On the other hand, I haven’t really been seeing people, in large part because I have been out of town.
How’s the music?
Not great, I think that I’m most of the way through the song for the wedding.
How’s the other writing?
Non-existent. Mostly that means the novel.
How’s the cleaning?
I can do better!
How’s ordering the life?
Eh. I have a to do list!
Water?
Much better today than ever before!
good↩
un-good↩
English lacks diacritics, and so critics can be satisfied knowing this is an active choice of mine↩
where does that term come from? I wonder↩
since I’m friends with both parents, not entirely sure how to possessive that word↩
ugh someday I’ll get into some sort of ordering that works for me, I hope↩
one necklace worn that’s a single octave and one in I think key of D↩
I meant to say even, but I hae been using hae in texts lately, and may also get into een↩
and what’s already happened in it↩
woo! employable↩
unlike most times, I’m not doing my daily reflection before writing the new one in large part because I need to get back into writing somehow, and this seems like the best way↩
note that this might be a “things we don’t post” but↩
First Published: 2025 June 10
I think about most things more than most people I know. I don’t know why this is, but part of becoming the best version of myself1 is not denying realities, and instead actively acknowledging them. So, what is my relationship to paper?
I love paper. There’s something so inherently wonderful about the feel of my pen gliding across the fibers. I love the way that different qualities and kinds of paper feel differently in my hands. I like the way that a bright white page seems so much dimmer when filled with ink. I love the tactile feeling of fully embodying my writing: I try to write from my shoulder, and so half of my body is in active focus as I stroke across the page.
I like paper for more than that, though. When I type, my thoughts come out in an ordered progression. Line breaks happen by the sentence, and double line breaks by the paragraph. Paragraphs, visible on the page, rarely last more than a few sentences. In analog, the page fills with my writing.
Even outside of writing, though, I love paper for what I can do with it. I’m sure that it’s no surprise to know that I had an origami phase in high school. Even as I have always enjoyed the feeling of nice paper, I’ve also hated the idea of being limited by the quality of my equipment. And, perhaps, I’ve felt guilty “wasting” high quality supplies when lower quality supplies would suffice. So, throughout high school, I must have made hundreds if not thousands of boxes and flowers.
Much as I love paper, I do also find that I feel very differently about fresh and used paper.
I love having loose paper around me, because I like the freedom it embraces. It can be anything, and any number of things. When bound in a journal, the pages share a narrative thread, even if I do not intend for that to be the case.
I don’t have a ton of energy or mental space today, so my goal is an easy win with an easy folly. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the relationship I have with paper.
For as long as I can remember, at least through early high school, I’ve loved having loose paper with me. Then, I did much more origami and paper folding generally.2 For a while, I was also into doodling and drawing of different sorts.
I’m not entirely sure why I stopped doodling and drawing, and I don’t really know how I feel about it. Even just a few weeks ago, I was doing penmanship exercises, and that was really fun.
Anyways, recently I was out with friends and excitedly showing off my then-current3 plan for organizing my life: a number of report binders4. Someone commented that it seemed incredibly disorganized and chaotic. Another friend commented that my default is otherwise to just put loose pages in my backpack.
I didn’t think that this was true; I very rarely, in my mind, at least, just have random sheets of paper floating in my backpack. Looking for affirmation of this identity, I queried my group mates and friends over the next few days. To my utter shock, nearly all agreed with the statement that I was someone who kept loose paper in a backpack. I do, I realize, at least now.
It’s inconvenient when I need to write something to hand someone or just like draw something and not have paper for it. Books, being the sacred objects they are5, feel horrible to tear into. The benefit of the report binders is that I can take pages in and out. However, even that takes time, and sometimes I just want the sheet in front of me. Also, I want clean pages in the binders. I have a lot of things that I’ve used one side for something but not the other. I like being able to use all of a sheet of paper, and especially when all that I was attempting to do is read a page, it feels wrong to then throw it away.
So, loose paper is great.
What was the point of this folly? I think that’s a great question.
Did you journal by hand, and do you feel like the stormy questions in your mind got on the page?
Kind of? I wrote two sentences because I did not really feel like writing this morning/that my mind is empty any more.
Did you do your best to sit in still silence?
Kind of? Yesterday I lay in bed for an hour after waking up. Other than that, though, almost not at all.
Are you making sure that each task is given your full attention, not just because the task deserves it, but because you deserve the luxury of doing a single thing at a time?
Generally! I did try assigning transitions while listening to an audiobook yesterday because data assignment is boring. I also tried multitasking while playing a game and listening to an audiobook. It did not go well, probably because the game required more reading than I was able to give.
Are you focusing on your posture and breath?
Eh, kind of!
What in your body is holding tension right now? How can you fix it? When will you fix it?
As evidenced by the fact that my legs always want to twist, it’s my hips. Other than that, I think that my shoulders are. I have an interview today at 1000, so I might try stretching before/after it depending on how timing goes.
Comments on sleep?
I’ve been needing more the past few days, but I think that might be more due to below than anything real.
How’s eating going? In particular, how are you doing with eating plants and unprocessed food?
Yesterday I had a handful of rice (then cooked), two sausages, a slice of cake, and four romaine hearts. The day before I had a slice of pizza, a breakfast sandwich, and a hot dog. I don’t think that either of these is the correct amount of calories, and so going forward I do want to really focus on getting through the number of calories I know that I need. Might have to redownload a calorie tracker?
Also water, not doing anywhere near enough, which is also not a thing that I’m happy about. Then again, that’s also part of life, I think.
Are you neglecting any of your familial obligations? If so, how can you rectify this?
Nope! I listened to last week’s album, wrote a reflection about it, and chose this week’s album. Other than that, I offered to come home to help with meal prep, but was rejected, and have brother call tonight.
Cleaning: what is the biggest priority you have right now, and what is the next action item for it?
I bought far too many lemons, which means that my priority needs to be turning them into oleo saccharum and citrum. That’s also the action item. I also just bought yeast, which means that I should pitch it sooner than later. There we go.
Thesis: current task. What’s preventing you from finishing it? How will you remove that obstacle?
I need to finish the apparatus chapter, and I need to write the introduction. I also need to be working on the data analysis as it comes in. So far I haven’t had data which converged to extant assignments, but which still produced something potentially meaningful??
Anyways obstacles are just apathy. I will not do the data analysis today because it will take as long as I give it, and I don’t want to give it that much time when I also need to be writing. I said yesterday that I thought hand writing would be the right move. I still think that is true, so will do that.6
Thesis: next task. What will you need to be able to do it?
The task today is apparatus, which I hate. Task for next up is the remainder of the introduction, which I will also do.
What’s the next job you’re applying to?7
Have interview! Cannot focus on two things at once. Next Tuesday, however, I also have an application due, and so will apply to that hopefully.
Are you intentionally trying to spend time with others?
Yeah! This weekend was filled with interactions and yesterday I worked in the office.
Are you doing your absolute best to ensure that you and those you interact with view the interactions in the same light? Are you sure?
No, and I feel kind of guilty about it. But, when people just make assumptions about me that I wish were true, it is really hard for me to correct them.
Are you keeping up on this daily set of reflection questions?
Didn’t do it yesterday, am doing today!
Are you keeping up on writing the follies? If not, what’s in the way?
As with the above. What is in the way? I think partially that I told myself I’d do it yesterday in the evening and knew even as I said that it was a lie. Outside of that, the general apathy and low energy I’ve had the past few days8 means that it’s hard to do anything, writing follies included.
How are the long form follies coming? Do you feel like they’re weighing you down right now?
They aren’t! I wrote one on Sunday, and that was fun. Outside of that, I think that I didn’t say all that I wanted to say.
Are you writing poetry? When, and what were your takeaways from the previous day’s writing?
I wrote some on Sunday. It mostly focused on belonging and sense of self, which is always lighthearted and never emotionally laden.
Are you making music? If not, what is in the way?
Sang prayer on Friday and Saturday, sang Mass and a concert Sunday.
Web novel?
Nope!
best here really just meaning like most internally consistent↩
one of my HS teachers really recently showed me the box I made her more than a decade ago now, which she still uses. It’s wild how much the actions we take echo into infinity.↩
arguably still current, even if I don’t use it as much↩
three hole folders with transparent front covers↩
even and especially journals↩
going to quickly make a note to myself of my morning plan not on this document↩
note that this might be a “things we don’t post” but↩
hmmm I guess there is a benefit to daily journaling, which is that I can tell this is becoming a downward trend↩
First Published: 2025 June 7
I’m realizing right now that each draft is becoming not so much a draft as a background or full folly itself. Because I want to explore the entire issue today, though, the 1500 words I wrote to get to what I think it means to sin (Draft 3, and the sin bit is only the last 50 words. Draft 2 led to Draft 3), and the words in Draft 1 where I explore the motivation here of this post (finding the things that I believe at the deepest level) are nothing more than prior drafts. So, let’s state the goal of this folly: I do not know if I can be a Catholic any longer. To be a Catholic, I must agree with the Church. The Church claims that the goal of all humanity is to get to heaven, and that means that all actions are either sin or love (see Draft 3). So far we’re good, but this is where we break from pure philosophy and theology into the real world, where the Church teaches that some actions are inherently love or sin.
Within Church teaching, there are still a number of different ways to approach something. There’s the common question of level of binding authority: if a priest says something, that means less than a bishop, means less than a pope, means less than the current pope, means less than a full ecumenical council. There are obviously shades to the binding, but generally the framework is the more that the Holy Spirit prevents error in the teaching, the more we must believe the teaching. In addition to how binding a teaching is, there is also the question of interpretation. It is dogmatically taught that Mary was assumed body and soul into heaven. Whether that happened before she died or after she died, or even while she died, the Church has not Finally, there is the question of interpretation. The world is a fundamentally different place than it was even a decade ago, let alone the two millenia that the Church has existed. I don’t know if I can believe that words themselves are binding, only that the ideas they contain are binding. Different cultures will require different interpretations of the same truth.
From Fides et Ratio, and probably other sources, we know that truth cannot disagree with truth. Science and Faith are not just not contradictory, they are actively complimentary. The Church can speak on matters which science cannot: salvation, eternity, the non-physical. Science can lead us to the Church by predisposing us to truth. Also, like not being hungry or sick is good, and science is really good at making food and medicine, and especially when we need it to continue. Multiplying loaves and fishes fed the crowd for a day, synthetic ammonia feeds half the world every single day.
So, part of what I’m going to do here, and what I feel comfortable doing, is calling out places where what we teach as theology is actually an empirical fact. If we can measure it with science, then science can give us the answer to the question. If this disagrees with the Church, then we must remember that all on earth are fallible, and there is no perfect communication between others. As I once explained to a friend, I trust G-d absolutely; if He tells me to do something I (as a correct moral agent) do it without hesitation. If I do not know without a doubt that it’s G-d, though, I have to consider how reliable my experience of reality is, and what I understand that I am being told to do.1
If someone tells me that G-d told them something, there’s yet another place for mistruth to come in: there is no perfect way to transmit knowledge. Someone telling me a Divine commandment means that I must trust that the person is correct in hearing the divine and also my interpretation of the words that the person gives, which are themselves an interpretation of what they believe the Divine said to them. There is the fun binary scaling we can start to do: did G-d speak (yes/no), did human agent understand correctly (y/n), did human agent attempt to communicate this correctly (y/n), did human agent communicate what they attempted to communicate effectively (y/n) (repeat those three for as many layers as needed), did I understand what they were trying to communicate? This is nice because even as it leaves many spaces for truth to die, it also gives space for the Holy Spirit. At any point, someone can try to intentionally mislead, but the interpretation might still end up being the truth.
Anyways, what do I dislike about the Church?
Ever since learning about the Jesuits’ history, I’ve felt uncomfortable with a large aspect of my faith. The more that I look into the historic Jew-hatred of the Church, the worse that it gets. There have been binding prohibitions against Christians associating with Jews, and the Council of Florence expressly teaches the dangers of the Old Covenant.
Both as a Jew and as a believer, I find these problematic.
One of the really really really important things about covenants with G-d is that they are eternal. We do not need to fear the world drowning because He covenanted not to flood the world. We can hope for salvation because Christ covenanted with us, taking all our sins on himself.
However it is very clear that the Church does not want Catholics to follow the Covenant with the Jews. I understand this in the case of Gentiles, those who were never bound by the Covenant between Abraham and G-d. In the case of those like me, though, who were born into Abraham’s physical, not just spiritual, line, what am I supposed to do?2 The Early Church saw themselves as Jews.
Peter said that others were not bound to join the Covenant not because it was wrong, but because it was a yoke which is too hard to bear. From a footnote in the previous draft, I know that I must always act in the interest of my own salvation. It is a commandment that I, who has been introduced into the Covenant of Abraham, bring my own children into the fold. On the other hand, as Peter points out, that makes it harder for them to be saved.
This is really where my issue comes into play. Every other covenant with the Lord that we have seen in the Bible treats them as eternal. Why is this, the inarguably most impactful one in terms of individual actions, somehow the one which is discarded? I know the Catholic answer, which is that the new covenant supercedes the old, but even that is only partially true.
Non-Christians often complain about Levitical law, and especially Christian interpretations of it, because we do not take everything. Catholics often reply with the idea of three forms of law under the Covenant: those which bound the Jews, those which bound the State of Israel, and those which were “moral” law, and therefore bound all of humanity. I do not take issue with this idea, nor do I even have an issue with saying that the Church has the authority to say which is which. I have no issue with the idea that what laws bind Jews, not the Israelites3 could have been amended in the New Covenant. I have no issue with the idea that the New Covenant allows people to be bound only by the new version, rather than both Christ’s and Abraham’s. I just cannot think that the laws which bound Jews as G-d’s people can be discarded wholesale.
I suppose that there is also the question of what it means for G-d to make a covenant with the nation-state of Israel in addition to the Jewish people. It is obvious, I feel, that any covenant with the Lord would not prescribe4 actions which are sinful; sin is definitionally breaking relation with Him. It makes sense that there are moral truths which may not be obvious to an outsider but which are good to all people in the covenant:5 all humans share in Adam and Eve’s responsibility to tend to the world. It makes sense that there are rules which do not bind the rest of the world but do bind His Chosen People: “to whom much is given, much is expected” and also just like that’s the whole point of making something sacred, you set it aside and treat it differently than the norm.
How do I draw the line between what commandments G-d gave to the Jewish people and the Jewish nation, though? What is the difference between the two?
I get to the issue of borders and immigration here, much as I didn’t realize that one of my current and acute complaints with the Church was related. Many top people in the current administration claim to be Catholics.6 Recently, one of them claimed that the Church supported closed borders, or something similar. In response, the bishops of America, including my own local bishop, drafted a letter where they pushed ever so slightly against that claim. In the letter I received, we were told that “The Church opposes both completely open borders and completely closed borders.”
This is not, so far as I have been able to find in any source, true.
The Church absolutely and emphatically has rejected closed borders. The Church has said that nations have a right to monitor their borders to maintain the safety and well-being of their people. That is not the same as saying that they have an obligation to, nor is it even saying that nations are themselves good. A completely open border is the same as saying that there is not a border, I would argue. The Church is generally pretty clear that any divisions between humanity7 are fundamentally wrong, or at least not ideal. I assumed that the Church’s stance on borders was like its stance on property: in an ideal world we would not have private property8, but we must be able to choose to share what we have.9 It would be correct to say that the Church rejects communism and socialism as concepts, because both explicitly require their citizens to own no property. It would not be correct to say that the Church rejects communal living, where no one has property of their own. After all, in heaven we have no property.
The letter really feels like a great example of the issue I have with the current princes of the Church, especially in America. In what is a very clear example of explicitly anti-Catholic teaching (taking immigrants from Catholic Churches during Mass), they were unable to unequivocally call the action bad. Instead, in addition to the above statement, they also said “Immigration policy must achieve a proper balance between migrant rights and sovereign rights.” and “secure borders help everyone”. This is fine, but is not a strong enough statement. Much as I find it inherently wrong when someone says “why are you complaining about X atrocity when Y is also occurring?”, it is wrong to say such things as “our U.S. immigration system has been broken for decades, no matter which party holds power.” That’s true, sure, but it is not both parties creating and posting on official government channels videos which glorify the pain of deportation.
They go on to say “Distinctions must be made between immigrants who present genuine risks and dangers to society and therefore may be lawfully expelled, and those who have been here for years, have no criminal record, and have lived peacefully and contributed to the common good.” There is a huge gulf between these two options. What about those who have a criminal record because there is no way to feed a family when you cannot legally work? Living totally peacefully, contributing to the common good, and presenting no genuine risk or danger to society is not in any way contrary to having a criminal record. Even more than that, though, the Church explicitly preaches forgiveness.
We have always said that there is no sin which precludes holiness. Why, then, do we now believe that there is no forgiveness for crimes? Is crime fundamentally damning in some way that sin is not? Is serving the prison sentence that our nation decided was fair10 not enough to say that you have repaid the debt? Why is it that we believe there are actions that cannot be atoned for, despite the fact that we preach the reverse.
Our last Holy Father was clear that we are obligated to support the environment, the migrant, and the poor. Our last President professed being Catholic. There were a number of bishops who said that he, by virtue of being willing to sign into law a bill which would ensure that a woman struggling through the pain of a sudden loss of child could not suddenly face punishment for that11, was fundamentally unfit to receive communion. There have been none who have said the same about our administration, despite these people literally and explicitly calling the Pope wrong and saying they don’t have to listen to him.
Regardless of how I feel about any Church teaching, deference of intellect and will means that I cannot, in any way, shape or form, explicitly call the Church wrong as a faithful Catholic. I can say that my own formation did not lead me there, or that I think that the Church is not interpreting the teaching correctly. I cannot, however, publicly and directly disagree with the Pope and call myself a good Catholic.
The Church claims to stand above the culture, and yet we are caught up within it.
Ok so returning to the people of Abraham, if covenants are eternal, the Jewish people are who G-d covenanted with, and they still exist12, then how is there a distinction between the laws of the Jews and the laws of the Jewish nation? The nation is the people.
I understand from a practical level how this works: clearly many of the banned actions explicitly referred to other nations which no longer exist. This does not mean the law no longer binds, only that the binding no longer comes into play. Just as I am in no way bound by the restrictions on those with children right now, that does not mean that the restrictions do not exist. Still, I suppose that it is helpful to note that some of the covenant is not practically binding, because it is no longer workable. Also, like any portion of the covenant involving the Temple is impossible right now, since there has not been a temple in centuries. I guess referring to the nation’s laws like that is workable. Ok so that’s no longer an issue, great.
I have traveled so far that this post is almost unfollowable to me. Still, I think that I’m at the point right now where I accept that what I have issue with is the teachers of the Church, not really or necessarily the teachings of the Church. As I reconnect with my Jewish heritage, it is possible that I will disagree with the teachings, but until such a time, I feel that I can call myself Catholic. I may disagree with the interpretations of the bishops, but I cannot say that my take is the Catholic one. I am willing to stand against the Church Militant because it is not inerrant. It is, however, still the Church.
Tl;dr: I am mad that our bishops are embroiled in the culture war and I still don’t know how I, a Jew in the eyes of the Church, should and do exist in the world.
One of the reasons that it’s been really hard for me to know that the Jesuits, until incredibly recently, would not have let me join is that I am so drawn not just to Ignatian spirituality in theory, but also Jesuits in practice. There is no way to know the bounds of our faith except by knowing what is outside of it. Science is a way to know G-d’s creation, and knowing the creation helps us to see the Creator. Of the big three spiritualities, Franciscans are focused on service, Dominicans on teaching the normative faith13, and Jesuits on the way that non-theological knowledge can lead us to salvation.
I am soon to be a doctor.14 I cannot view the world except through the knowledge that the beauty of creation is there for us because our G-d loves us so. What does it mean that the part of the Church who teaches this only recently would let me join? If I were but a few decades older, it is impossible that I would have been called to join them, I suppose. The Church is meant to stand outside culture, leading all of humanity to heaven.
The Church is its members. The Church Militant, and many of its leaders, have done atrocious things. In the same way that I am comfortable with the idea that saying “this country did something awful” and “the leader of this nation did something awful in his official role as the leader of the nation” are generally interchangeable.15 When the princes of the Church actively harm the most vulnerable among us, when they will not make clear stances against evil, and when the institutions they maintain, create, and endorse do evil, how can I in good conscience say that every single person in the world is best served by joining the Catholic Church on earth. Do I believe that all in heaven are part of the Church Triumphant?
Yes.
Do I believe that all are given the choice to join it at death?
Yes.
Do I believe that living a moral life helps prepare us to make that choice?
Yes.
Do I believe that living according to the teachings of the Church is the generally best way to live a moral life?
I don’t know any more.
Lately I have been struggling with my faith. There are a lot of things that the Church teaches which are generally good for belief. However, there is much theology that is good or bad based on the individual. There are a number of works which have received a nihil obstat16, which says that there is nothing contained that is expressly contrary to faith and morals but which do not receive an imprimatur17 which says that the content is good for the development of the Catholic faithful. That makes sense to me, and I don’t really feel a need to justify it right now. As a Catholic, my goal is the salvation of the world, but explicitly the goal of my life is to end up in heaven for an eternity with the Father of Creation.18
So, what is the absolute minimum that, as a Catholic, I believe is necessary to believe for salvation? Note that this is a distinct question from what is necessary for salvation. Just as it is not necessary to know how internal combustion works to drive a car, there are bound to be a number of truths which I do not need to believe in order to be saved, and there are a greater number of things which if I truly believe what is necessary for salvation, I would believe by virtue of being a thinking and semi-logical being.
It’s very clear in Catholic theology, especially since Luther, that we do not earn our place in heaven. It is only Christ’s unmerited and infinite love that lets us in. From this, I’ve always understood the answer to what gets us into heaven is that at the end of our mortal existence, we are given the choice between eternity with G-d and eternity without Him. I’ve also seen framings of it as eternal bliss or eternal torment. In either case, there is the transitory state known as purgatory, where we go if there are worldy attachments which keep us from fully saying Yes to the Almighty.
So, what are these worldy attachments?
The Church often distinguishes the Secular and the Sacred. Secular is literally just meaning “of the age”. I’ve understood this, especially in light of what else I know19 to mean that Heaven is that which is eternal, and the process of Purgatory is where we burn away our attachments to anything which is not permanent. That’s fine with me in principle, and I absolutely agree with some of the ways the Church, when asked, expressly teaches this. G-d is Love, so love is always good insofar as it leads to Him. However, it is absolutely possible to love G-d less because of attachment to a spouse or parent or child or etc.. I even think that this can go further.
In the first draft, I talked about hydrogen emission. Even this is a transitory thing. There has not always been hydrogen, and there will come again a time when there is no hydrogen. Even though it is something we take as foundational in science, our attachment to this cannot be eternal.
Ok so to get to heaven I need to say Yes to G-d, which means releasing my attachments to anything transitory. What is eternal?
Paul, for all that I have my qualms with a lot of his writings, is one of the major authors in the Bible. His teachings are well accepted by the Church, especially when taken with proper context. To the best of my knowledge, First Corinthians 13:13 is not one of these verses that can be taken out of context. Depending on the translation, three things are eternal: faith, hope, and either love or charity, which is the greatest of the three. Here there’s the fun sermon priests love about “in Greek there are many words for love. In English there is just one.” Talking to a dear friend once, she reminded me that English is a language that expressly constructs multiword meaning. Just like we don’t have a one word infinitive but still have infinitive verbs, we do not have one word for eros, but can say erotic or sexual love.
Ok so to get to Heaven, we can only be attached to faith, hope, and love, especially love for others. That’s totally cool with me. If I’m thinking of an omnibenevolent and omnipotent Creator, I would hope that Love is essential. Exactly what Faith and Hope mean here, I’m sure has meaning, but I don’t know what they do in the practical.
This was a circuitous20 way of getting to something my mother really impressed on me: all theology needs to start and remain focused in Love. I’m glad that I got there kind of on my own, even if it was one of those “I knew on some level the answer that I was getting to, and so the logic trail led me there”.
So, all theology must be rooted in love. Is Church teaching rooted in love?
What Church teaching do I disagree with?
What is my crisis of faith?
Honestly, I think that I might need to restart from there, rather than continue here. I feel comfortable with: heaven exists, heaven is union with the Divine, union with Divinity requires separation from that which is not Divine, anything which is Divine must be eternal and anything eternal must be Divine21, and so to go to heaven we must be removed from anything which is not eternal. Of things on earth, Love is one of the few eternals, and so all actions which are carried out in love bring us closer to the Divine, and all actions which are carried out in absence of love pull us away. Great.
Now let’s get into the meat: what are the things that the Church teaches are inherently actions with and without love? Oh yeah that’s absolutely what the issue is: Sin, the Church teaches, is that which separates us from G-d. Love, as I showed above, is what brings us to G-d. Therefore Sin is what is not Love and vice versa. Is it reductive to say that all actions are either Love or Sin?
Maybe?
I guess that we get to principle of double effect: is the primary goal of an action I take love or sin? If Love, then good, if sin, then bad. Grey areas exist, but I can get to them when I do. The Church teaches many things as fundamentally good and fundamentally bad, and so I can explore whether I agree with those, how binding the teaching is, and how open to interpretation the teaching is.22
As an important preface, this post is me actively figuring out how and what I think as I write. It will jump as my thoughts do. My goal is to see whether I am, in fact, a Catholic.
A theologian I recently read claimed that Aquinas23 said that if a Catholic truly and honestly finds that they cannot believe in the Church, it is a mortal sin to claim to believe what he does not, and only a venial sin to apostatize. I’ve never been super cool with the idea of mortal and venial sin as an important distinction, which I think is also somewhat of an Orthodox thing. Anyways, it is from this and something my mother raised me with that I come to this post. My mother always taught me that, as a Catholic, I have two moral options: complete obedience and complete freedom.
Complete obedience is, on the face of it, the easier option by far. The Church gives us leaders in the form of priests, bishops, and the pope. If you are willing to believe exactly what your ecclesial authority24 claim for morality, any sin you fall into as a result of incorrect theology is not on your soul. This is where we remember the whole “millstone around the neck” that is better for bad teachers than misleading. Of course, you do not get to pick and choose. You can’t go “Fr. So and so says this thing I like, and Fr. So and so this one, and this Bishop said this, and etc.”
If you want to, on the other hand, make choices,25 any sin is solely on you. When you see the Lord at the end of your mortal life, you have full responsibilities for your actions, because you are a moral agent. Developing your conscience, then, is essential. Even more than that, though, constantly evaluating your conscience is also essential. There is a famous thing about walking: people cannot do it in a straight line. No matter what you try to do, when walking without an external method to maintain straightness, you will veer and curve. Likewise, without interrogating your beliefs, it is easy to slip into what is easy, rather than what is true.
So, let’s go through and see what this means for me and the Church.
The Church claims that the end destination for all humanity is heaven: eternal union with the Almighty, a personal agent who created everything and lovingly holds all of reality, constantly sustaining it. I’m not going to get into the theology26 here, but instead hone in on the Salvation. As a Catholic, what is essential to believe to enter Heaven?
If I can agree with everything essential, then there is no issue with me remaining Catholic. If I cannot, then I do owe the Church deference: I must do everything in my power to try to believe Her answer, even if it is hard. If I am unable to do so, though, then I cannot be a Catholic.
So, what is essential?27
I don’t honestly know. So far as I understand it, we do not earn our place in Heaven. It is only Christ’s unmerited and infinite Mercy and Love which brings us there. We accept or reject this Love, and that determines Heaven or Hell. There’s also purgatory, for those of us who cannot choose Love in full, but would eventually be able to.
I’m not entirely sure if we are obligated to believe that Hell is eternal. As far as I can tell, Hell will be ended at a point in time. Heaven and Hell, by contrast, exist atemporally. Is this relevant to my belief? Maybe!
There is an idea that I have sen and really like, even if I don’t know that I believe it, that Heaven and Hell are not, in fact, different places. Instead, the same omnipresence and full knowledge of this presence of the Lord is either something lovely or unbearable. Those who find it lovely are in Heaven, and those who cannot stand it are in Hell. This makes purgatory work really well too! A lot of theology talks about how faith is process of refining by fire, and there’s a lot of metaphor of burning.28 When you fully accept the Lord, there is nothing in you which needs to be burned away. When you reject him, you are constantly being consumed. And, when you have the last few things separating you from Him, purgatory burns that away.
Honestly, I think that I might be best served restarting with this. Let’s try it. I know that it makes no objective difference whether the next words come here or above in a new draft, but it mentally feels very different.29
I’m just going to preface this with the full knowledge that I am aware this post is almost certainly going to meander not so much like a creek, but more like a laser beam sent into broken glass. Expect a number of hard pivots, soft transitions, and everything in between. With this disclaimer out of the way, let’s think about faith.
I’ve talked a lot about faith on this blog, and I think that makes sense. Faith is an important part of my identity, and I do try to have my beliefs shape my actions. Since October, though, I’ve been finding my faith harder and harder. This is not that surprising: my mother was the one who grew me in the faith, and so much of the way I believe and believed is based on her. Without her, there’s a gap and that’s not great.
So, as of right now I am a professed Catholic. I believe all that is required to believe, and I generally keep normative opinions. I offer deference to the Church, and where she and I disagree, I try my best to believe what the authorities tell me. Is this going to be true at the end of the post? We shall see.
I’ve been listening to a philosophy channel more and more lately, if only because he puts out a lot of content and it’s generally interesting. I’ve also been reading not no philosophy, and that’s been really cool too. Something I think about a lot is the semi-modern30 idea that there must always be some truth you hold deeper than the rest. Mathematicians might know this from Godel, who showed that there are infinite truths that cannot be proven within any self-consistent system. That is, in order to find any truth, you have to start with foundational assumptions that cannot be questioned.
What are mine?
I don’t know, honestly. I try my best to remain open to the idea that I could be wrong, and try to hold ideas as lightly as they deserve. If I cannot effect a change based on an ideal, then there is no point in being dogmatic about it. I guess that both of these, the openness and lightness, are foundational, but I have certainly been more dogmatic in the past. Yesterday someone expressed that they would love to have a child like me and I tried to say that I was a bad child because I followed rules badly.31
Why do I say that I am Catholic?
That’s an easier question, certainly. I’ve taken the Sacrament of Confirmation, where I pledged myself to the Church. Even though there is nothing technically requiring me to of full knowledge accept the faith, the cultural understanding of the Sacrament remains. That’s certainly sufficient when I don’t have questions, but.
I often talk about some of the reasons that I find the Church to be the best faith option. What reasons do I give?
I want to live in a world with fundamental meaning. This is not something which can be empirically tested or derived, but is something I do deeply hold. What is that meaning? Great question, no idea. I include in this that there are truths which are universal, and that morality is not something culturally constructed, but rather an absolute set of laws that we may or may not follow.32
So, whatever worldview I take needs to have reality.
I don’t couple this with my next point, even though most do: I want to live in a world that is self-consistent. That is, I need to believe that reality is measurable33 and the same. If I measure the speed of light today, it will be the same tomorrow. If I measure it here, it will be the same elsewhere.
On my last drive home, my mind, lulled into peace and contemplation by the endless rolling hills, started thinking about this question. I realized that, much as I have historically talked about Truth and truth as distinct things, I don’t entirely know what I mean by these. There was a rhetorical idea that seemed interesting, and I will try it going forward: capitalization is reserved for those things which are, under my philosophy, non-dependent truths.
what do i mean by this?
take the classic astronomy benchmark: the hydrogen 21 centimeter transition.34 what does this truth rely on? i’m not going to go completely pedantic and say that it requires the definition of the centimeter: regardless of the units used to measure the transition, it is consistent across time, so far as we know. i am also not going to really get into the fact that it is an abstraction at best: there is red and blue shifts which make the line change energy, and there is an inherent linewidth to the transition, regardless of how low pressure and temperature the hydrogen is. however, the transition does require the existence of hydrogen.
is hydrogen an independent truth? also no. models of the universe claim that in the beginning there was no hydrogen, and in the end there will also be no hydrogen. where there is hydrogen, i feel comfortable claiming that its hyperfine transition will occur35 at the energy expressed with photons of 21 centimeter light. i just do not feel comfortable claiming that the universe requires hydrogen.
i’ve gotten somewhat off track, but i think that the normal things i use for why i believe in the church are that i want a faith system with certain characteristics: unique claim to truth, universality, objective system of morality, and coherence with other forms of knowledge.
the unique claim to truth, to me, at least, is the idea that, given our universe with true things that we may only have approximate knowledge of, i want my faith to be the one which is closest to the truth. in a perfect version, there would be a special relationship with the creator.36
oh shoot, no i usually start with the idea that G-d37 is love, and that love is good. goodness is inherent to love. what if we search around here?
looking at the notes i made, something that i was really thinking about it starting with full belief in the church and working backwards, rather than starting from what i want38 to believe and seeing if i end up at the church. since, as the start of this draft says, i am a Catholic, that may be the right way to approach my faith. from here on, if it is something that i take as a given in the current moral framework, it’s going to get a capitalization.39
so, under the Church, what is the goal of humanity? our goal is to bring creation to Salvation; this is best achieved through spreading the Gospel of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.40 from the footnote, something that often bothers ex-catholics, potential future Catholics, and those Catholics who try to understand their Faith more deeply is the idea of Tradition.
Catholic scholars often differentiate Tradition from tradition. Tradition, they say, is that which we know to be true because the Church has passed it on as Divinely revealed.41 tradition, on the other hand, is merely that which we have carried down through the ages, and does not necessarily bind us morally. as one of the ex-catholic podcasts i have started listening to42 points out, though, that is often used as a bait and switch or at least is completely subjectively defined.
as an example, take the question of what acts a Married couple is allowed to partake in. there are a number of different claims which range from “only that which results in Procreation” to “anything goes so long as at some point in the relationship there is an openness to Life”. which of these is correct, and how sinful is being wrong?
ope, ok sorry getting distracted again.
i think that this might be a good time to start a new draft, this time focusing on the whole “Salvation” aspect.
Did you journal by hand, and do you feel like the stormy questions in your mind got on the page?
Not for the last two days, yesterday because I forgot my pens at home/43 knew what I wanted to do right away. Today I didn’t journal because I got sucked into my phone and am now at a coffee shop doing writing.
Did you do your best to sit in still silence?
Not really. I guess that I spent a little time, but mostly last night I enjoyed my new bean bag chair and played a game. Oh! I did intentionally not bring headphones to an event yesterday, and then got somewhat lost, so ended up with a nice five or so minute walk without distractions.
Are you making sure that each task is given your full attention, not just because the task deserves it, but because you deserve the luxury of doing a single thing at a time?
In general! Last night after the event, though, I did listen to a podcast44 while playing the new game I’ve become obsessed with.45
Are you focusing on your posture and breath?
Not a ton, but more than none! I’m hopeful about continuing to improve that. Right now I’m working in a comfy chair, where I am just slightly too large, an the laptop I write on is being aptly named, both of which aren’t great for the posture. I guess I can make the active effort for breath, though.
What in your body is holding tension right now? How can you fix it? When will you fix it?
Absolutely my hips. I’m crossing my legs when I lie down an insane amount. I also think my lower back, but that’s just because the fascia there is always tight when I look.46 I can fix it by dedicating the time that I have to stretching this afternoon. I will do so this afternoon, immediately after clearing space to stretch. Part of me wonders about shifting the bed again so that there is space on one side of it for stretching...
Anyways, all things to consider. I think that there is bound to be something I want to listen to, if only because I saw that two of the podcast YT channels I follow put out new podcasts.
Comments on sleep?
I feel like it’s been going decently. Last night and the day before I didn’t get enough of a nap in, which is a shame. Today I woke up on my own a full hour after when the alarm was supposed to have been going off, which is kind of strange. Anyways, sleeping in that extra hour felt great, and now I feel really well rested and ready to take on the day. I do still think that I will try to push waking up back yet another fifteen minutes this week, because if worst comes to worst I can just get into triphasic sleep.47
Generally I feel like the naps and the sleeps have more of a soft drift off, rather than immediately falling asleep upon hitting the mattress. I am at the wrong level of wakefullness during the night, as evidenced by me sending a completely garbled text to a friend at around 1am today.
How’s eating going? In particular, how are you doing with eating plants and unprocessed food?
Eating has been fine-ish. Yesterday I had oats for breakfast, a few chunks of mystery meat48 for lunch, two tacos for pre-dinner49 and a large slice of NY style pizza and a smallish slice of cheesecake for dessert. Then I went home and had some rice and beans.
This morning I had some more rice and beans and am currently consuming an espresso with whipped cream. I’m sure I’ll eat lunch and dinner at some point.
Are you neglecting any of your familial obligations? If so, how can you rectify this?
Made my brothers reschedule our weekly call, which I don’t feel great about.
Cleaning: what is the biggest priority you have right now, and what is the next action item for it?
Right now the biggest priority needs to be clearing out the yoga mat so that I can and will stretch again. After that, I want to get the kitchen to a space where I can make brewing possible, which probably means starting with the table.
Thesis: current task. What’s preventing you from finishing it? How will you remove that obstacle?
Writing apparatus chapter, I think. The presentation went well which is nice, even if I felt like it was pretty horrible.
Apparatus block is just apathy, and so I will make time to work on it tomorrow before Mass?50
Thesis: next task. What will you need to be able to do it?
Data analysis: the many many51 jobs need to run and I need to decide what the data analysis pipeline will be.
What’s the next job you’re applying to?52
Did a skills assessment and personality test yesterday.
There is also a lecturer position at my current institution that’s open right now, so I should really get some teaching philosophy statements going
Are you intentionally trying to spend time with others?
Yeah! I am writing with a friend right now, went to Shabbat last night, and am going to Havdalah tonight. In between, I’m also going to a bar with a friend.
Are you doing your absolute best to ensure that you and those you interact with view the interactions in the same light? Are you sure?
Yeah! Well, no, but I also think that the fact that I’m being open and honest and chatting with people using the words I want to use is probably good. I’m also not really interacting in places where easy large-scale miscommunications can happen.
Are you keeping up on this daily set of reflection questions?
Didn’t do them yesterday. Today I do them again. Why didn’t I do them yesterday? The same reason I didn’t journal, more or less.
Are you keeping up on writing the follies? If not, what’s in the way?
Missed Thursday and Friday. Thursday I wanted to be productive in the morning and then didn’t make time for it at end of day. Yesterday just flew by, between group meeting, skills assessment, giving a presentation, and Shabbat. Today I’m going to do it, though.
How are the long form follies coming? Do you feel like they’re weighing you down right now?
About to write the big one, because now is the appropriate time to have my potential crisis of faith.
Are you writing poetry? When, and what were your takeaways from the previous day’s writing?
...SHOOT.
Are you making music? If not, what is in the way?
Not a ton. I’ve been listening to more which is nice, but something inside of me doesn’t really want to pick up the guitar or sing right now. I did sing in choir on Thursday, sing along with the prayer as I was able to last night, and will be singing at Mass and a concert tomorrow, so I guess generally I am making music, even if not self-directedly.
Web novel?
I wrote a short short story and posted it yesterday. Generally being well-received!
Did you journal by hand, and do you feel like the stormy questions in your mind got on the page?
I did, and I don’t really feel like there’s anything too stormy today, which is really nice. It’s great to have a routine, even if the routine isn’t particularly active.
Did you do your best to sit in still silence?
Kind of. I didn’t make time for it, but I did like take deep breaths a few times. I probably could / should have done so this morning instead of scrolling instagram, but that’s the nature of life.
Are you making sure that each task is given your full attention, not just because the task deserves it, but because you deserve the luxury of doing a single thing at a time?
Not entirely, but generally yeah! It’s nice to not be always trying to optimize. It’s a little frustrating trying to get work done at home without wireless, but I think that it might end up being for the best for me.
Are you focusing on your posture and breath?
I keep catching myself not doing it, and that’s no fun at all. When I do, though, it’s easy enough to fix again.
What in your body is holding tension right now? How can you fix it? When will you fix it?
Yesterday I realized that my neck was really tense, and that wasn’t great. I think that I got some stretching/ massaging on it which is great. Now I think my jaw is still tense, and otherwise just my hips. To fix these, I can massage my jaw and do some more hip stretches.
In an ideal world, this would also mean that I am stretching this evening at least once, but we’ll see if that happens. One downside of the rearranging I am doing at home right now is that my stretching area(s) are all filled. I think that I have solutions to most of the issues, but I’m not totally sure if they will work. There’s only one way to find out, and so that’s another goal for the day.
Comments on sleep?
I think that I basically slept through the night last night. I was out until 11, which meant that I didn’t take the time for an end of day routine. I think that the end of night routine is really important to me getting sleep, so I might have to force myself to do it even when I am tired. The nap felt great, and my new blanket was great.
How’s eating going? In particular, how are you doing with eating plants and unprocessed food?
I did not end up being hungry for lunch yesterday, and so I just had a single bite of the sandwich. Other than that, I had burgers for dinner. That’s not fantastic, but I will be eating some cherry coffee cake this morning and other than that probably the sandwich for lunch and in a perfect world I would also eat diner of some sort. I think that is absolutely doable though.
Are you neglecting any of your familial obligations? If so, how can you rectify this?
Nope! I listened to the album yesterday and even took notes, which is really cool.
Cleaning: what is the biggest priority you have right now, and what is the next action item for it?
Much as I wish that it was something else, the biggest priority right now is absolutely getting space for the stretching
Thesis: current task. What’s preventing you from finishing it? How will you remove that obstacle?
I realized yesterday while doing data analysis that I had a block of code that was not indented when it should have been, and since I write in Python, where whitespace is important, that means that I had a whole section of conditionals that didn’t get used. Whoops.
Fixed and resubmitted that.53
I need to finish the presentation that I’m giving tomorrow, do the literature review for group meeting, and write the next chapter I have due. That’s all that I have to do.
Thesis: next task. What will you need to be able to do it?
Next task is writing the chapter for the week, which is really a lot more than I want it to be. That’s all that I have to do for now, I think, but probably not.
What’s the next job you’re applying to?54
I’m taking some skill assessments for a job application tonight(?). Maybe this afternoon. Presumably sometime after the rest of the group has gone away because I need to be alone for three hours. I guess that I could do that in the library in my cage, and honestly, that might be the move.
Are you intentionally trying to spend time with others?
Yeah! I forgot that I had signed up to go to a Shabbat this week, so that’s going to be really fun. I went to board games last night, and I wrote with a friend today.
Are you doing your absolute best to ensure that you and those you interact with view the interactions in the same light? Are you sure?
Generally! I don’t think that I had any places for miscommunication since the last time that I thought about it.
Are you keeping up on this daily set of reflection questions?
Yeah!
Are you keeping up on writing the follies? If not, what’s in the way?
Forgot to post yesterday’s but that’s really it. Will give it that quick read through and then post.
How are the long form follies coming? Do you feel like they’re weighing you down right now?
Have not touched. I still feel like they’re more existentially pulling me down.
Are you writing poetry? When, and what were your takeaways from the previous day’s writing?
I have not been, and it might be part of why I’m not sleeping as well.
Are you making music? If not, what is in the way?
I moved my guitar to the other side of my bed, and I’ve played a little bit on it last night and this morning.
Web novel?
That will hopefully be happening today!
mmm descartes↩
oof the commas there did not serve to make the writing more comprehendable (comprehensible? ope yeah that’s what my word spell likes)↩
I don’t really know how to distinguish the people from the specific pre-Temple culture. I guess there’s also the whole like “pre first, first, post first, second, and post second Temple periods and requirements”↩
proscribe?↩
when to use colon and semi colon???↩
is it uncharitable for me to frame it like this instead of saying that they are Catholic? maybe? I’m not totally sure. I think that there’s something to be said that, just as Peter didn’t think that it was good to bind Gentiles to Mosaic (there’s the word that I was looking for. Oh shoot wait, what about the things in Abrahamic Law, are they binding? Are they released? Were there bindings?) law, describing them as not Catholic but claimants means that they have a reduced culpability when they preach heresy↩
other than sex, and to some extent age↩
the apostles, after all, shared all they had.↩
at least in part: the Church also believes in the universal destination of goods (or some similar phrasing), which says that you can morally take some things from some people (I think)↩
I’m not getting into the whole “as Catholics there is no moral way to defend the current system” except wait no that’s exactly what I want to get↩
am I going to write the whole post about abortion soon? Gosh I hope so↩
all of which I am almost positive we are bound to believe↩
initially written as parroting Aquinas, but that’s not charitable↩
if all goes according to the current timeline↩
I do of course understand where that goes wrong sometimes↩
lit: nothing obstructs↩
let it be printed, I think↩
a question I often consider is if is better to damn myself if it meant that I could guarantee the salvation of N other people, or the reverse: is it ok to choose salvation if I know that it will lead to N people being damned? I know the correct answer, much like in the trolley problem, is “that’s not a real situation”, but I think that it’s important to look at the edge cases, even if they cannot exactly occur. This is probably the scientist in me, who is ok with the idea that the models we use may be non-realistic, but still useful.
For the purposes of this post, I think that I am going to go with it is always best to choose my own salvation. I am the only person in sole control of my soul. Hmm am I ok with that? Yeah, I think so.
That’s another set of questions, I guess. I’ve asked five of the Catholics whose opinions I deeply trust what they think
Ooh yay the seminarian was the first to write back! Edit: just before writing the quote from Corinthians, got the response back. He said to use double effect. My goal is Heaven, and so any consequences are fine (not in so many words, but effectively). In contrast, Church says you can never take an action you know to be wrong (choosing hell). So, it’s really the standard catholic answer to the trolley problem “you can shift the lever to save people, but you can’t do it with the expressed moral calculus of N less than M”... which is fine because I do believe in agency. At the extreme level, I must always choose the good.↩
to be clear, almost none of what I’m putting here is what is necessary and / or sufficient to get to the conclusions. I’m just putting what feels like the most important notes for myself as the if of an if then, so that I can trace my logic where needed. If I disagree with a conclusion, I can then go back and see what might need to be modified to stop leading to an incorrect location.
In analogy: I’m trying to get to point A, and know that it’s north of me. It’s totally possible knowing that will be enough to get me there, but it’s also possible I’ll need to be more precise (north east? northwest? which highway do I take?) Since the goal is the location, and I know whether or not I’ve gotten there (based on whether or not I feel Catholic at the end of the logic train)
This feels fundamentally Ignatian in practice/principle, and that is itself another reason that I’m uncomfortable, because Hitler did in fact point to the Jesuits as an example of how to do Jew hate well (something something, I think if up to your great grandfather was Jewish, you were not eligible to join them until like the 1980s)
Anyways, back to main text↩
more than 1000 in this draft alone if we count the monster of a footnote↩
though this second half maybe less clear on, is it an equivalence? sure I’ll say yes for now↩
will probably need to cover this in another draft↩
if I remember correctly↩
the priest of the closest parish to you, his bishop, and the current pope↩
can you tell that my mother had Opinions about what the right choice was?↩
literally using the word here, I’m not going to break down G-d right now, just Salvation↩
500 words into this draft I finally know where I wanted to start... We’re at almost 5K total words right now, and so this is absolutely going to be an unreasonably long post, even if I finish it today↩
mmm fire↩
which I guess is a form of objective difference, since it is measurable↩
I think↩
in that I saw no gray areas often.↩
do I know what that absolute morality is? No. Do I think that there is no way to make it totally parsable by humanity, because it needs to account for literally every consequence of every action? Yes↩
no descartes demon↩
initially i had 12, turns out i had them flipped↩
on average↩
hmm, do i need to believe in a creator? not sure yet↩
who is definitionally in catholic circles a non-dependent existence↩
i think want is the right word for now↩
so be ready for some german-style every noun gets capitalized. i will not be doing this to every word, just the nouns, to be clear↩
i have no doubts there are people who see these as intrinsically linked. they are welcome to that, i am unwilling to say that the best way for every person ever and always will be the Bible and the Tradition of the Church, if only because we are in an imperfect world and so interpretation of either can be wrong↩
hmmm revealed is an adjective here, so no capital i guess (also note that i never gets capitalized, because the Church, so far as i know, does not teach that i in particular am a given. what am i, and all those fun buddhist questions)↩
hmmm that’s probably a place that caused some of this. then again, Truth is Truth↩
is one supposed to do spaces on either side of a front slash? neither side? trailing?↩
technically turned on the video recording of a podcast, which has occasional pictures that I tabbed over to look at. It was a really fun podcast, about my favorite kind of monster (objectively good scientist who just also is completely amoral, in a way which may or may not be part of why good at science)↩
it’s a vampire-survivors-like (I don’t really know if this has a real genre name. I’ve seen bullet heaven, but that’s not necessarily the vibe. It’s certainly not bullet hell. The genre is like minimal meta progression (you get experience slightly faster or start with more health or whatever) roguelite (perma death, new build each run) autoshooter (weapons fire on their own and aim on their own) where increasingly large swarms of enemies attack.) This one is also a rhythm game, so the way you load your attacks is by pressing keys to the beat. It means that I have to watch the circle really carefully while also avoiding enemies. Great time, and very stimulating to the brain, plus it has nice music and graphics and the controls feel nice↩
look here mean “do anything even resembling a stretch which could stretch the lower back” which somehow includes dropping my chin to my chest↩
if I schedule things semi-optimally, first nap could potentially have me waking at like 8AM, which would get me on a semi-normal schedule for at least part of it, plus there’s no feeling quite like getting up early and doing something only to be able to go back to bed before the day starts↩
thank you friend!!↩
because I was going to a group event and don’t like looking like I eat a lot in public anymore. The fact that there was an absurd amount of extra food at the end of the event makes me realize I didn’t really need to do that, though. Also like this is absolutely not the group of people who would judge me for consuming a lot, and I need to be more comfortable accepting myself and being me in public settings↩
feels like a fine time, assuming that I don’t end up working on it today↩
2700 total, though the remainder of the first 900 (about 780) are on hold, and the next 1800 are doubled with yet another typo being fixed↩
note that this might be a “things we don’t post” but↩
even though I have no priority at all, only requesting one core at a time means that they all get run right away, which is good to know just always↩
note that this might be a “things we don’t post” but↩
First Published: 2025 June 71
I don’t think that I’ve reflected here about networking, which is kind of strange. I go to a lot of events where I end up interacting with others and trying to make an impression on them, and did so even in the first iteration of this site. I guess I probably used to reflect more on the event itself rather than the metanarrative, though.
Last night I was part of a small choir that sang at a reception at the governor’s home. It was really fun, and I found out while warming up that we were also guests at the event.2 That meant that, in the two hour event, other than the ten or so minutes of a speech and us singing, my job was to mingle.
It was a great time in general, and I think that part of it is that the location and event were meant for mingling. People there were generally expecting conversation with strangers, and I was doing my best to not stand in a corner awkwardly. I chatted with one person about a potential job and otherwise just met a lot of great people from the surrounding area.
In general, I find that networking is such a hard thing to do, though. Part of it is that I am terrible with faces and mediocre with names; when I meet someone at an event, I may not recognize them a few minutes later. I don’t remember the names well enough afterwards to do the b-school thing of finding an email and writing them. However, I have always looked at least fairly distinct. This works in my favor, because it means others are more able to remember me. Also, because networking events tend to be filled with people who are trying to network, they often remember me and are able to do the “following up with our conversation” messages. But, I then get to the part that truly makes me struggle with networking: the mercenary nature.
As far as I have ever been able to tell, one of the major points of networking is meeting people who you can help in their careers and who will help you in yours. I don’t like seeing people as professional objects, and so that makes me uncomfortable. Also, like I like talking to people. The goal of a networking event for me is meeting interesting people who do interesting things; it is also nice to be able to go “A, meet B. You two do the same thing”, though.
Why am I writing about networking now? I think that it’s primarily because I am hitting the point in my professional life where networking has to start taking a much larger role. I am actively on the job3 market, and the way to fix that is to find people with positions to fill
This is a much shorter post than usual, in large part because I don’t really think that I have much to say. It’s nice to talk to people, I wish there were more spaces to do it, and I love being able to see the web of interacting humanity that’s so common in those sorts of spaces.
Did you journal by hand, and do you feel like the stormy questions in your mind got on the page?
I did, and I think so!
Did you do your best to sit in still silence?
Not really, I didn’t really have a place where it felt appropriate yesterday.
Are you making sure that each task is given your full attention, not just because the task deserves it, but because you deserve the luxury of doing a single thing at a time?
I think generally! I did multitask a little last night while talking with a friend, but that was almost exclusively mindless work4.
Are you focusing on your posture and breath?
Not as much as I should be, but generally somewhat. I find that right now my shoulders seem to have three positions: rounded forward5, slightly rounded forward or neutral, not sure which6, and what looks like straight7
What in your body is holding tension right now? How can you fix it? When will you fix it?
Neck, shoulders, hips I think. I can stretch my neck and shoulders, and I can generally make the time I need to do a full stretch today.8
Comments on sleep?
I went to bed about an hour past when I meant to last night.9 I then reset my alarm to give me about an extra hour of sleep this morning, and generally feel ok.
How’s eating going? In particular, how are you doing with eating plants and unprocessed food?
I had the lemon cake yesterday, and then ate a sandwich for lunch and had dinner-adjacent food at the reception I attended.10 In general the food at the reception seemed about normal processed, and this morning I had a day old pastry, which had peach and I think lemon curd. I’m assuming pretty heavily processed, all things considered. I have a lunch packed: sandwich.
Are you neglecting any of your familial obligations? If so, how can you rectify this?
Nope! I even started to listen to the album of the week.
Cleaning: what is the biggest priority you have right now, and what is the next action item for it?
It’s a toss up between making space for the chairs I now own and making space for brewing. Since I will be traveling through most of the rest of the month, though, it probably makes the most sense to do make space for chairs. A part of me is wondering if the ideal might be starting as far away the entrance to my home as possible and slowly working my way forward. I can then make the piles of recycling, trash, gifts, things I want to keep but somewhere else, and things which are in their proper place. That might work better for me, because that way as things get closer to clean the mess gets moved further from my bed11 and closer to the entrance to my apartment.12 I’ll see how that works out for me.
Thesis: current task. What’s preventing you from finishing it? How will you remove that obstacle?
Yesterday I finished the plan for writing and made an outline of the apparatus chapter. I don’t really want to write that right now, and I also have a presentation I must give on Friday. The presentation feels like a higher priority, and right now what’s stopping me from finishing is the fact that I don’t know what I want it to say.
I can fix that by making a better draft of the presentation and testing it out to see if it’s good.
I’m also continuing to monitor the computational jobs I have running. 71 down, 829 remaining. At this rate I might be done by the end of the week!
Thesis: next task. What will you need to be able to do it?
If the jobs are fully monitored, I need to do the data analysis. I think that the plan will be “this is where the fit I have predicts line locations, this is where it was assigned, this is what the error was in each of the inputs”. I guess that I can make that table now. How do I want to do that, though?
I have fifteen interlacing windows, and two variants on each of those. Maybe just have a plot for that one? Like amount of data covered and how well it fit? Hmm If they’re al overlapping, it feels like there should be a good way to visualize that.
This also ties into the presentation, which means that I get to count it as a thing to do.
I also have the apparatus draft due ASAP and plotting out the next chapter (Introduction) because that’s due as written for next week.
What’s the next job you’re applying to?13
I don’t entirely know, honestly. I signed up for a phone interview yesterday, and honestly feel like it’s ok for me to take the day off from the job search. Last night I did so much networking that my professional battery is completely drained.
Are you intentionally trying to spend time with others?
Yeah! I went to a nice reception last night and I wrote with a friend today. I’m going to a friend’s house for games tonight.
Are you doing your absolute best to ensure that you and those you interact with view the interactions in the same light? Are you sure?
Yeah! I had a great call with a college friend last night, and we clarified a miscommunication we had almost a decade ago that I hadn’t realized was coloring my interactions since. That was really great! Other than that, I have not had a lot of places for miscommunications to occur.
Are you keeping up on this daily set of reflection questions?
I am!
Are you keeping up on writing the follies? If not, what’s in the way?
Yeah! I think that I might want to find a different time for them, though, because the morning is a great time for work and getting the thousands of words in my head on this page, while helpful, are also words that are not being put in my dissertation.
How are the long form follies coming? Do you feel like they’re weighing you down right now?
They aren’t. On the call last night with the friend I mentioned that I really need to write it, because I am pretty sure that I might be having a crisis of faith. It’s nice that I can schedule that, though.
Are you writing poetry? When, and what were your takeaways from the previous day’s writing?
I did not do it last night because the phone call was 3 great hours.
Are you making music? If not, what is in the way?
I sang last night! Other than that, I feel like I ran out of time.
Web novel?
Nope. That’s on my due list for the week, though.
because I forgot to post↩
which made my joke of “wow they’re having us through the front door like actual guests” all the funnier↩
and relationship↩
assembling a chair, etc↩
the default↩
which I can hold unthinkingly↩
which takes constant effort to maintain↩
which requires cleaning my home, and so I should also figure out where things go and how much time I have in the day/where it’s going. I have appointments at 1100, 1330, 1600 (the normal burger) and 1900 (board games with a friend who is about to leave forever). This feels like exactly the pace that absolutely destroys me, because the intermediate times never feel like enough to get anything done, but also don’t feel like a short enough time period to not do anything. Maybe cleaning would occupy a good portion of the time? I guess if I do my nap after burgers instead of before, then I have the remaining time to work. It’s also possible that breaking the sleep into two naps of shorter durations would work for me↩
the joys of talking with friends and recovering from networking↩
meaning lots of fruit, some mousse cups and mini cheesecakes, one crab cake (which was tragically sauced), a bunch of what I can only describe as fried cheese and ham pinwheels, and some peanut chicken skewers↩
bad, interferes with sleep↩
inconvenient, reminds me to take it out of the home.↩
note that this might be a “things we don’t post” but↩
First Published: 2025 June 3
I’ve written twice before about my experiences making a lemon country wine. It’s been a while since I did any brewing, and it is something that I would really like to get back into. With that in mind, I think that a nice lemon wine would go really well with my thesis defense, especially if I can make nice labels.1
Apparently sugar is about 45 points per pound per gallon, which means that a five gallon recipe with about 5 pounds of sugar should start out at about 1.045. If that ferments to full, ends up around 5 percent, which is good to know.
So plan is:
Purchase sugar and lemons, maybe water (grocery store)
Purchase yeast, bentonite, yeast nutrient (Fermaid?), and anything else that looks fun (homebrewing store, make sure that the ingredients are kosher)
Clean and sanitize everything (this is obvious but)
Pour about four gallons of water into the fermenter
Boil about 5 pounds of sugar with about a gallon of water and some acid to help break the molecule down for yeast. Once boiled, add in the yeast nutrient (calculate how much to use or trust the box) Also add in hops as appropriate.
Add the mixture to the large pot of water, ensure that the yeast won’t die.
Add yeast, stir vigorously, MEASURE DENSITY and temperature, cover, walk away
Check regularly.
When at about 30 percent fermented away, add known volume of sugar water with known density, measure new density, use that to figure out current ABV
Repeat until satisfied
Stabilize the wine. I think that’s bentonite, but that might actually be for defogging...
When stable, back sweeten and acidize and otherwise balance.
Bottle and cork and label
What do I need to do adjacent to this:
Hop trials: how long should I boil how much hop for use in lemonade?2 Make like a quart at a time, and try a small matrix of boil time and hop percentage. I might need to also do something with wait time: how long between adding the hop and tasting?
Oh shoot: hops are often not recommended in the preferment because their flavors blow off
I guess that means that I should plan on dry hopping or adding hops to the liquid during the backsweetening/acidifing phase. Hmm are hops acid stable? I wonder if making an oleo saccharum or citrum from hops might be something workable. I’ll try it if my hops are still here.
I guess this means that I need to get a more precise scale as well.
Make the oleos.
Get good quality lemons, clean vigorously, allow to dry.3 Peel, crunch with citric acid and/or sugar and/or other acids of choice. Seal in container, allow to rest for a while. Consider boiling after straining? to stabilize and whatnot?
If I put in glass jars, I can can it, I guess. Canning feels like a LOT though. I guess a pseudo can4 still feels close enough. I will check if I have any glass containers, and if so, might just put in the jar, seal, and then boil for a bit to try to make it a little more shelf stable. I guess i could also freeze them?
For hops, grind hops with citric acid? sugar? both? something else? I guess I’ll try full acid, full sugar, and a fifty fifty blend of the two.
Hmmm, if I do just sugar, then presumably the sugary hop liquid will be much much less sugar than I need to get all the appropriate hop flavor. The same may not be true in terms of acid: I really don’t know if the lemon liquid will have the right ratio of lemon to acid. I might do like a 60/40 acid sugar ratio? Maybe 70/30?
The goal is something that’s really lemony, but also acidic. I need to extract all of the oil I can, and so whichever base I use will probably end up being the only contributor that I need. Unfortunately, I don’t know the relative ratios of hop to lemon to use for an ideal solution.
I guess one option is to make multiple versions of each, but that feels excessive in a number of ways. Still, I don’t know if I have an issue with doing one acid and one sugar for both hop and lemon peel.
Great, so that’s sorted.
Buy the bottles and corks/make sure i know where the corker I own went
Figure out how to make labels and do so.
Great, that’s all that I really feel like needs to be done. I’m excited to get started, so might try to hit the supermarket after work today? Hmm, to consider I guess. This is, of course, yet another motivation to get the home cleaned: I want sufficient space for brewing.
I have written twice before about my experiences making a lemon country wine. It’s been almost two years since the last post, and an equivalent amount of time since the last time I did any brewing. With that in mind, I think that I would really, honestly and truly, like to make lemon wine in time for my defense. If I get done soon enough, I would even love to have it as a thing at the post-celebration or to gift to my committee.5
So, what do I want to plan on for the recipe?
8 pounds of sugar has historically fermented somewhat sweet, which is a problem if I end up doing an oleo saccharum of lemon6. If, instead, I do an oleo citrate7, I end up with something that I can mix to exactly my specifications, but it would then mean that I would be unable to just add the remaining mixture to my drinks through the summer and onwards, because it would be horribly sour.8
Ok so that sounds like I’ll try to make an oleo citrate. I have a bunch of citric acid, so that’s not a problem. I think that when I was optimistic, I bought ascorbic and tannic acids, so might mix a little of them in water to see what they taste like.
I’ll do the quick math for how much sugar I should add to make the water at the appropriate level for my yeast.9 I think that I’m going to go for a 71-B again, because that’s always been a reliable yeast for me. It can easily handle 10 percent, and so I want to shoot for a starting density somewhere in the 1.08 range. That’s apparently around 208 grams of sugar per liter, which is about 800 grams per gallon, which is about a pound a gallon.10
In previous years, I used about 8 pounds, and that ended up giving me11 about 10 percent, and the notes there suggest that I would need about 8 pounds to make it work. Ok, so I’ll just plan on using the full ten pounds of sugar, boiling it with some acid to hopefully turn the sucrose into its constituent fructose and glucose, which will hopefully make the yeast work better, happier and faster. There is, of course, something to be said about step feeding, which makes the yeast happier in the short and long terms. The only issue is that I need to be able to measure the density at all points.
Let’s see, can I do a density calculation with some unknown volumes?
Say I know that I have a fermenter full of liquid with standard gravity 1.0312. If I add in a known quart of liquid with standard gravity 1.113, and get new standard gravity 1.033, then...14
Ok so the goal is to find alcohol by volume. In general, if I know starting and ending densities, it’s given to me by some constant times the difference.15 Of course, I do not know the starting volume well. When adding in the second draft of sugar, I know the current density, the volume of sugar water being added, and the density of the sugar water. From this, we can find that the initial volume was the new volume times the amount the sugar water’s density decreases divided by the amount the base’s density increases. That’s nice. From there, since we know the initial ABV and we have the initial volume, we can find the raw amount of EtOH in the solution. As the liquid ferments, it becomes another change in density problem, but we add the starting ethanol content. Only at the very end, when I am sweetening, do I really care that much about the overall ABV, and rough guides are probably fine, so I could also say that the amount of ethanol in solution is only slightly decreasing, and treat it as fixed16 and just do constant delta density.
Eh, step feeding seems like the winner for now. Let’s look at the usual advice for that.
Huh wild, most people only step feed when they really want to hit incredibly high ABV. I wonder why that is.
Well, guess I don’t really need to do that. Let’s still try for it, though, because I want to make sure that it ferments dry. We’ll eyeball about four or five pounds of sugar17, dilute to about five gallons, introduce the yeast and nutrient, then monitor for the next three days. Every time density drops by a third to a half, add new sugar water as needed.18
Hmm, do I need to get nice water for this? If spring water is cheap, it does save a bit of effort. Eh, we’ll see if there’s readily and cheaply available water19 when I go to get sugar. This draft is also not great, because it’s just me figuring out that I want to step feed, and some of the math therein.
I have written twice before about my experiences making a lemon country wine. It’s been more than a year since the last one20 and I think that it’s even been that long since my last brewing. I officially have a day and time set up for my defense, which is fantastic, but means that I’m now reminded of the many things that I wanted to have done before the defense. I really want to be able to share my homemade lemon wine with people at the thesis defense, and so that means that I really need to get on it.
Honestly, I don’t love the fact that it’s a sugar wash, because that feels wrong somehow. Mostly it’s that sugar doesn’t add anything to the final product. By its very nature, it is either taken up by the yeast or left as flavor at the end.
It’s not that I am some sort of purist who thinks that everything needs to have extra ingredients for the sake of being complicated. I love munching on a whole head of lettuce, after all. However, I have to wonder if making kilju21 is really the best bet. An advantage is that I know exactly how much sugar is in it, because sugar is 1:1 sugar by weight. Another advantage is that it does really let both the yeast profile and the other flavors I add into it22 shine. And, of course, it is dirt cheap. I’m nearly positive that sugar is the cheapest source of sugar23.
By using sugar, the bottles that I want to get24 are significantly more costly than the ingredients inside of them. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, because again, spending for the sake of spending is not ever my goal. So why am I so opposed to using sugar?
Partially I am just embarrassed when people ask me how to make the lemon wine, because it is fundamentally just add sugar to water, add yeast, then treat like regular lemonade. If I did some berries, that would make it far more of a berry lemonade than a pure lemonade, and I worry that the flavors will get muddied. Ok, I feel comfortable with my decision to do a sugar base again. Yay!
Did you journal by hand, and do you feel like the stormy questions in your mind got on the page?
I did! The only stormy questions are the blog posts that I absolutely need to get on the page.25
Did you do your best to sit in still silence?
For a little bit! This links moreso26 to the below, but I did do the silent sitting after posting yesterday, and I do really feel markedly better for having done so. Other than that, though, I guess that I wasn’t doing a ton of stillness, but that’s less because there was a constant rush and more because I completely lost track of time.
Are you making sure that each task is given your full attention, not just because the task deserves it, but because you deserve the luxury of doing a single thing at a time?
I generally wasn’t multitasking yesterday. There were a few things I had at once, like making sure that my code didn’t crash while I was reading, and when I was playing a dumb game, listening to some audio that I wanted to get through. Otherwise, though, I wasn’t even able to listen to a book over the walk home, and wanted to spend time just not doing anything. I did scroll through instagram on the entire walk home, though, which is less than great.
Are you focusing on your posture and breath?
Generally. I can always do a better job, but each day that I stand with good posture, everything feels better more generally. It’s also really nice to be able to feel the way my breath feels when I hold it or move the body in different ways. My default is always a stomach-led breath, but I’m more and more learning to love the way that my ribcage can expand if I let it.
What in your body is holding tension right now? How can you fix it? When will you fix it?
I think that I need to be more aware of just how much tension in my body is interlinked. Yesterday while stretching my neck, I felt my entire lower back start to release as well. That being said, I still feel like my shoulders are wanting to hunch forward, but that’s more posture than tension. Because I’m focusing on that, though, that is the place I hold tension. Maybe I should look for more shoulder stretches.
I also haven’t been able to straighten my arms since at least high school. Apparently that’s something I can fix primarily by literally just trying to straighten them for a few minutes at a time. It really hits the tendons just below my triceps, which I suppose makes sense.
So, I can fix the shoulder tension by stretching the shoulders and by looking up more shoulder stretches. I can fix the arms not straightening by straightening my arms.
Comments on sleep?
Not really. I slept in an extra hour today, but I think that might be more a lack of motivation than an active need for more sleep. A part of me is thinking about whether more shorter sleep sessions might be better? Eh I’ll try to stick with this routine for at least a little longer before really messing it up. It sounds like my cult of personality is in its uprise27, because someone is tempted to try out the routine after simply knowing that it’s not not working for me.
How’s eating going? In particular, how are you doing with eating plants and unprocessed food?
Eating wasn’t great yesterday. I ended up with a bowl of oats28, a bunch of peanuts29, a couple packs of instant ramen30, and some gushers.31
Today I’ve had some coffee32, and a slice of lemon pound cake. After this writing session I might go grocery shopping? Or at some point today maybe. What do I need from the store, though? I know that there was something I was thinking of, but I can no longer remember it.
If I cook more beans, I can eat more beans, and beans are a great food for a variety of reasons.
Are you neglecting any of your familial obligations? If so, how can you rectify this?
Not really! I’m planning on doing the walk and song time today, because I need something away from computer that is not away from devices.
Cleaning: what is the biggest priority you have right now, and what is the next action item for it?
Biggest priority right now: I don’t really know. Lots of things are bothering me, but since I think that I’m getting a new chair today and/or tomorrow, I guess that the highest priority is getting the space for it/them cleared. That’s also the next action item.
Once the chair has home, it’s probably good to look at my entire home again and think about what is where, what I don’t need and can donate/gift/throw away, and what I need to find space for. I don’t love keeping my instruments in my apartment over the summer when it’s humid and hot, so I might once again occupy space. That might also motivate me to play them more, and also go to work in the office more. I don’t know if either of those is a real perk, though.
Hmm, when can I dedicate time to just do a deep dive on my apartment? I’d like to be able to have friends over, if only one at a time, because there are a few games I have that would be fun for two.
Oh! I also wanted to have homemade lemon wine for my defense. Now that it’s scheduled, I do really need to get that prepped and ready.33
Thesis: current task. What’s preventing you from finishing it? How will you remove that obstacle?
Right now the current task is monitoring the runs to make sure they are not crashing, check the output of the jobs from yesterday, and making figures. This ties really closely in to working through the presentation I am giving on Friday.
Ope! I stand corrected.34 My current task is making the list of where my thesis currently stands and an updated timeline. That can happen in parallel with monitoring jobs! 27 down, 873 to go!35
Thesis: next task. What will you need to be able to do it?
Finishing the presentation for Friday. Realistically I just need to dedicate time to that. I could listen to the book on presenting more and actually start doing the exercises it contains.36 Early on in the book it pointed out the importance of speaking presentations, and chunking in thoughts, not lines or sentences. Anyways, we’ll see what ends up happening.
What’s the next job you’re applying to?37
I made my USjobs account, and, perhaps unsurprisingly, there were no jobs that were even slightly related to what I do. With this in mind, I found a cool outreach position in Germany, and so I will start on that app.38
Nooooo, the job closed! I swore it said it closed end of June, not end of May. Oh well, more jobs will come in time.
Huh wild, FBI jobs are not on the regular USjobs website. I wonder if the same is true for other things. I’ll apply to one of the jobs at my current university that’s posted, and know that I’ll be rejected from that too.
Are you intentionally trying to spend time with others?
Yeah! Well, at the very least I’m writing with a dear friend now and attempted to schedule a lunch with someone yesterday.39 I should reach out to someone else I care about now.
Are you doing your absolute best to ensure that you and those you interact with view the interactions in the same light? Are you sure?
No, but I think that right now all of the unclarity40 that I have is good, if not actively healthy.41
Are you keeping up on this daily set of reflection questions?
Yes! Look at this monster.42 I’m wondering if doing this by hand might be better, but I am absolutely finding that the way I think while typing and hand-writing are fundamentally different, which is interesting in and of itself.
Are you keeping up on writing the follies? If not, what’s in the way?
Yeah! Today I even got a new inspiration halfway through my daily reflection.
How are the long form follies coming? Do you feel like they’re weighing you down right now?
I have yet to start, and right now I honestly don’t think that I’m being weighed down, which is really nice. I do still really want to start, though.
Are you writing poetry? When, and what were your takeaways from the previous day’s writing?
I wrote not a full page, but a full song last night.
Biggest takeaway: my default way to write a song is ballad form43, and if I just let myself iterate over the exact same poem, each attempt becomes markedly better.
Are you making music? If not, what is in the way?
No. I still haven’t moved my guitar and I just don’t really want to make music right now. Not so sure why, but I do feel the mental block.
Web novel?
No, but I’m hopeful to make time for it today.
and even if not, the bottles will still be pretty↩
add vodka to water to simulate the lemon wine I guessss↩
sanitize? with the keg sanitizing solution?↩
heat↩
which would require learning how to make a nice label, but that’s definitely a craft that I can get behind↩
literally sugar oil, basically using sugar to extract lemon oil↩
using citric acid instead, and wow I hate that name↩
although, that’s not inherently a bad thing, as I think about it... what’s wrong with having acid and sugar allowed at different additions?↩
hmmmm what ABV am I shooting for? apparently 10-13 is a normal and good amount, so let’s just say ten for the nice roundness of it all↩
assuming my back of envelope math is correct↩
perks of takign notes↩
3 percent heavier than water↩
which feels like decent sugar water?↩
getting out pencil (pen) and paper for this bit, because brain isn’t working without writing by hand and the conversions here don’t support tex equaitons↩
i think it’s like 110, but I can find exact value later↩
5 gallon is much larger than a quart, so ABV unchanged↩
read: whatever seems like it will fit well in the pot with water↩
read: make sure sugar water is cool first, even though we start with boiling water the first time through.↩
what is cheap? great question↩
going on two, actually,↩
Finnish word for a sugar wine, what most people I can find in the homebrewing community call sugar wines↩
lemon, hop↩
I think it beats apple juice, and if it doesn’t that is wild↩
read: will be getting↩
instead of the usual plan of taking a real beak, today’s plan is to emotionally wreck myself in the middle of the workday↩
a word I will bring into common parlance if it kills me (or others)↩
there’s a word I’m trying to remember that means something like this but in a more literary way. I can’t remember it, though↩
plant, relatively unprocessed↩
plant, somewhat unprocessed↩
... neither↩
arguably negative for each↩
it’s a ginger cinnamon clove latte, so it’s basically nothing, but I’m counting it as food↩
OH! That’s what was on the grocery list: a bunch of sugar and lemons/lemon juice. Ooh if I did lemons, that would be so so so good. Ok so yeah I guess that I’m making lemon oleo saccharum. If I then combine that with lemon juice, I end up with lemon cordial, and if I then add in some more acid in the form of all the different citric and related acids that I own, I can really make the drink exactly what I want. I do love the hops that I have, so might try titrating it in. I don’t quite know best practices for adding hops to country wines, but. Ope ok this footnote is way too long now. Maybe instead of musing about paper as I had planned, today will actually be about lemon wine. That’s definitely where the passion is right now↩
I took a travel break after time with others, and during that time period was informed of this fact↩
they’re all running right now, with between 1 and 5 cores. It appears that regardless of number of cores, I really only need like 1 GB of memory, which is pretty nifty! Whole run output is also only like 200 MB, which is only marginally larger than the size of the input data (which it currently is outputting). I am really curious about the run time, but that’s for later↩
wow the author is passive aggressive about them, but also he isn’t wrong↩
note that this might be a “things we don’t post” but↩
I’m doing a very distracted post today, but honestly I’m not pressed about that↩
it is happening, but attempt still felt like the right term↩
obscurity? that’s not right, I don’t know what the word is right now↩
hmm, if not is such an interesting thing, because half the time it seems to suggest the first part is the likely one and the other half, the second part.↩
some might argue that a 1500 word daily reflection (which is what I have right now on top of the templated parts) is excessive bordering on unreasonable. I have no real comments to that.↩
four feet then three feet per pair of lines, the end of the three feet rhyme in pairs (at least how I do it. I think that the rhyming bit is more optional)↩